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Level Five B*tches!
Wylaff
Posts: 5,271 ✭✭✭✭✭
Not that I know what that means, but I'm going to celebrate anyways. I'm away from home on business for a while (damn near a month) whoever can make me laugh the hardest with a joke will get at least a fiver donated to the person of their choice. I am not sure yet when I will be back home, but I will leave this open until then, at which point I will contact the winner to get their target.
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
2
Comments
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
SOCRATES: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
MILES DAVIS: That chicken was a MF'r.
RAY CHARLES: I can't see S H I T.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies you, your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It
transcended it.
CHARLES DICKENS: It was a far, far better road that he crossed than he had ever crossed before...
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: But soft, what bird on yonder asphalt trots?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
DARWIN'S NEPHEW: Which came first, the chicken or the road?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2020, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. You see, to you the road represents the barrier between what is and what might be. What is…is you in front of the computer screen, practicing celibacy, peering into your mother's womb, wishing to be suckled at her breast (in this case, at the teats of internet knowledge and passive acceptance), hating the reflection in the screen that reminds you of your father, thinking how you life can never measure up… What might be, only the chicken knows, now that he has crossed...
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
BILL CLINTON: I feel that chicken's pain as he struggles to make the decision whether or not to cross the road...
[MONICA LEWINSKY: The chicken's pain isn't the only thing he felt.]
BILL CLINTON'S REPLY: That depends on how you define "chicken."
DAVID COPPERFIELD: I made the chicken disappear and reappear on the other side.
ACCENTURE CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Accenture helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Accenture Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Accenture's consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecture and implement an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Accenture Consulting helped the chicken to become more successful.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: (Splat!) Oh, sorry. Was that a chicken?
"I ain't got no Opus's"
LLA - Lancero Lovers of America
2016 Gang War (South)
May I assss u a ?
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays
A whole chain of empty stores!!!!!!
Maybe that should be in the p!ss someone off thread.
Other guy (Let's call him Joe P.) "I'm some sort of clown? I amuse you?"
Broke his nose.
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
The freezer don't fart when you take the meat out
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Look for the Fresh Prints !!!!!
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
I love the glasses drop at the end.
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
Guy 1: Do you know why people hate Jews so much?
Guy 2 (who was jewish): No, why?
Guy 1: Because before you even find out how big your **** is gonna be, you are already cutting the end off.
Husband and wife are in their Honeymoon suite on their first night as a married couple. The wife comes out in her lingerie looking fine and ready. The husband starts undressing in front of her and when he finally completely disrobes the wife gasps and says "Oh honey, that is such a nice pee-pee!"
The husband stops and sighs... "Wife, we need to get some things straight. This, this is a c o c k and that is all it will be called."
The wife full of innocence and purity smirks and says "Oh honey, no no no.... a c o c k is black and at least 10" long"
Joke 2:
Husband and wife on their first night of being married are in their bedroom about to consummate their marriage. The husband breaks the ice by standing up, taking off his pants and throwing his slacks at his wife. He barks out "PUT THESE ON!"
The wife hesitantly complies and once on she is just swimming in them and says "These are huge, I can't wear these pants!", to which the husband chuckles and says "Thats right and don't you ever forget it, I wear the pants in this marriage!!"
The wife smirks haughtily and with a devilish grin starts seductively stripping until she has nothing on but her unmentionables. She finally peels off the tiny piece of fabric covering up herself and throws them at her husband saying "Put THESE on now..."
The husband thinking this was some kind of kinky game is in the mood and starts to try to pull them up his legs. They get to about his knees and they are simply too small and he can't pull them up any more. He stops frustrated and says to his wife: "They're too small, I can't get into these panties!!!"
The wife grins and with a wolfish smile says "That's FVCKING right and if that attitude doesn't change you never will!"
Ain't marriage grand
Brett
The old fart comment from @jlmarta made me think of this song.
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...