Try counseling with hubby over anger with cigar habit

He is a retired doctor, a diabetic and he knows that smoking any kind of tobacco product can cause serious health problems. He has a friend in the cigar business who sends him boxes of free cigars. He does not smoke in our home.

I have tried many times to persuade him to stop smoking (or at least to reduce his consumption) without success. I let him know his family loves him and is worried about his health. I have suggested he involve himself in community activities, thinking maybe he's bored; I've even suggested counseling, as friends and I think he may be depressed (he denies this).

He has no hobbies other than eating and cooking, smoking cigars and watching TV. He has always behaved as though the laws of nature do not apply to him.

I recognize that I already have baseline resentment over heartaches he caused me in the past. I don't relish the idea of further punishment — having to take care of him if his own stupidity leads to health problems. I am ready to say, "Dear, if you develop smoking-related health issues, you'll need to move to Florida so that your so-called friend who sends you cigars can take care of you." I doubt this threat would have much of an impact, but can I do this?

I work in health care. Every day I see cases in which spouses or family members have to care for patients whose poor choices have led to poor consequences. Sometimes the caretakers are angry and resentful. I don't want to end up like that. — Weary Wife

Dear Weary: I'd say you are already angry and resentful. You need to deal with your own feelings rather than your husband's behavior.

You have a lot to ponder. Let's say your husband is in a car accident (instead of a tobacco-caused health issue). Will you take care of him then? Or is it only smoking-related issues you will refuse to countenance? And if something happens to you, will he step up?

I realize that "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," but I raise these hypotheticals to point out that this is probably not really about the cigars. This is about your relationship, his ennui, your inability to control him and your fears for the future.

You should commit to counseling and urge him to join you (perhaps this is your nonnegotiable). You'll have to attach a consequence if he won't go with you.

That is what is going on behind your back lol