Cigar Jokes

Teege
Teege Posts: 660 ✭
in Non Cigar Related
As to not hijack the humor thread ill post them here.

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody” His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my ****.” “Oh come on” replies the bartender. The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.” He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar”. The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”. The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You *** that’s just another cigar.” Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a ***, I must have smoked it!”

Comments

  • Rhamlin
    Rhamlin Posts: 9,142 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Ha ha pretty good Teege. Can't say I've heard any cigar jokes but this is a good idea for a thread.
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    Ill try to post a new one everyday but anyone can throw one in as well.
  • wwestern
    wwestern Posts: 1,397 ✭✭✭
    What's big, brown, and smells like tuna?

    Bill Clinton's cigars
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs… "Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
  • Rhamlin
    Rhamlin Posts: 9,142 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Lmao
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!” By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends, confident he could he lit a robusto lent back in his chair and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?” “I was in bed.” “What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?” “Getting a second opinion.”‘
  • BigT06
    BigT06 Posts: 3,899 ✭
    Ouch. lmao
  • Hippiebrian
    Hippiebrian Posts: 146
    Hopefully I can use appropriate words here...lol.

    A man and his grandfather went fishing. The grandfather popped a beer. The grandson asked "Can I have some beer too?"

    "Well", said the grandfather, "can you touch the end of your **** to your ****?"

    "No" came the reply.

    "Then you can't have any beer."

    The next day, while fishing again, the grandfather pulled out a cigar, cut the end and fired it up.

    "Can I have a cigar?"

    "CAn you touch the end of your **** to your ****?"

    "No."

    "Then you can't have a cigar."

    The next day, fishing again, the grandson opened a lunch sack and pulled out a homemade chocolate chip cookie.

    "Can I have a cookie?" asked the grandfather.

    "Can you touch the end of your **** to your ****?" asked the grandson.

    "Well, yes I can!" came the reply.

    "Good," said the grandson, "then go f&^%$ yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!"
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    LMAO!!!
  • Rhamlin
    Rhamlin Posts: 9,142 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Lmao that was funny!
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast".
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend? “It’s close, but it’s no cigar.”
  • Teege
    Teege Posts: 660 ✭
    In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigar smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol --- dead. The second worm in cigar smoke --- dead. The third worm in sperm --- dead. The fourth worm in soil --- alive. So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
  • The_Kid
    The_Kid Posts: 7,869 ✭✭✭
    Teege:
    A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs… "Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
    This one cracked me up,,Lol
  • BigT06
    BigT06 Posts: 3,899 ✭
    Teege:
    In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigar smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol --- dead. The second worm in cigar smoke --- dead. The third worm in sperm --- dead. The fourth worm in soil --- alive. So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
    Exactly. lol

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