ATTN BORKs: I Need Help Guys

Anonymous One

Ok, to preface this, I am a regular member here, and most of you know me. I wanted to post this question, because I respect the opinion of many of the members here. Speaking practically though, I just couldn't bring myself to be open about it. I'm sorry for the secrecy, and any of you who may find yourself with guesses about my real identity, please keep them to yourself, for me?

I am an adult male, engaged to a fiance of several years. I am a, shall we say, physically imposing man, and I am comfortable in myself and have a strong sense of self. When I was younger, before I knew my fiance, I was...a bad guy. I did things, sometimes violent, that I no longer participate in (though I never spent time in jail). I have long since worked to become a different person, and am a loving, caring man and attentive fiance.

My dilemma is this: my fiance sees me as nothing but a big teddy bear. I would be completely fine with this if my fiance wasn't an insecure woman, prone to being scared at night or in shady locations. When I assure her that I can easily take care of her, she just laughs it off and I can tell she is not reassured. It's not that I want or need her to see me as some kind of "badass", and she's made it clear that she's not interested in knowing anything about my past (we've had 'hypothetical' conversations about such things) - I just want her to be confident in the knowledge that I can protect her, and she doesn't need to be afraid around me.

So what can I do?

docbp87

Buy a gun, even if you never shoot it. And God forbid you ever have to use the thing to defend her, or yourself.

fla-gypsy

Assure her that you would rip any intruder apart at the limbs and hack them into pieces before you would let anything happen to her. On 2nd thought not sure that would help.

cabinetmaker

My past is similar. I'm upfront with everybody that asks that needs to know. You need to have the discussion early on so she never "hears" anything from someone else that comes as a shock. Don't go into all the details, and nothing that can be used against you if the statutes have not run out; but be as open as you safely can.

kaipocruz1

I can see the seriousness of the situation, because I know you just want your fiance to feel safe around you. I was a terrible human being for a good five year stint and spent a lot of my time getting 86'ed from bars for fighting...none of this was introduced to my wife until after we were married. In fact the only way she found out about all this was when a friend of mine decided to tell her some of the stories at a backyard bbq. I didn't plan on ever telling her about all that crap...but she found out and now I think she's a little scared of me. I guess I'm saying that once you go down that road and tell all...theres no going back and you don't know how shes going to react.

jsnake

I know who you are and I can see why she feels this way. I trust you and know from our conversations what a good hearted person you are. Maybe because I am a guy I have a different perspective. I have no doubt that you could whoop someone's butt if needed even though i would trust you in my home with my family. Obviously this is bothering you but I would try to not let it. I bet deep inside she knows that you can protect her but she doesn't want to think of you as some monster beating people. She wants you to be her cuddly bear and she wants to keep seeing you that way in her mind. I don't think she means any disrespect by it though. You know in your mind that if things went bad you are fully capable of protecting her so be confident and secure in yourself.

YankeeMan

I agree with Cabinetmaker 100%. As a retired career law enforcement officer, I have know many in your position. I look back in horror at some of the things I did when I was younger. I just never got caught.

People change, they grow up and they mature. It's not good to start a lifelong relationship with secrets. Give her some background, skip the gory details and you will be fine. I hope everything works out for you. You both will be in my prayers.

TatuajeVI

Cabbie and yankeeman are right on. You need to tell her the truth - though with some discretion. U really don't want her to find out down the road from the wrong person. And it will give you the opportunity to assure her that you can take care of business.

xmacro

+1 to the advice so far. It ain't a good way to start a marriage with secrets - they tend to come out, and at the worst time. But from what you've said, your woman needs to chill - bad things happen in life, and they can happen at any time; all you can do is prepare and try not to be caught flat-footed. That said, **** happens. If she can't understand that, she's gonna be a nervous wreck her entire life

I'd also advise a gun, but just be aware that gun's carry heavy legal and moral responsibility - take the proper courses and educate yourself as much as you can on the legal and handling aspects. I don't know your age, but it sounds like you know what you're about, so you owe it to yourself to get as much training, both aiming and legal, as you can if you choose to defend yourself and your loved ones.

ENFIDL

First of all congrats in cleaning yourself up and getting away from the violent things you were doing. Secondly obviously she loves you regardless of the fact so if the situation arises handle it. She will see that you can handle yourself and know that you can protect her. Those actions will speak louder than anything else.

lilwing88

Do you love her? Does she love you? If the answer to both of these is "yes", then don't sweat it, bro.

My wife loves me to death but doesn't have the best confidence in my abilities to defend her. AND I'M A POLICE OFFICER WHO'S ARMED TO THE TEETH AT ALL TIMES!!!!!

In my assessment (and I'm a licensed family counselor/life coach.... aka a cop) your fiance's "insecurities" aren't her misgivings about your ability to protect her, they're her inability to hand over the job to someone else. She's an independent woman. That's admirable. Embrace it.

My wife is a semi-control freak. She knows deep down that if the situation had ever arisen, I'd protect her with my own life if necessary, but it's just hard for her to admit that.

Anonymous One

Gentleman,

I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all the input. This is something that has been bothering me off and on, and I guess I'll just have to come to terms with it. To those who know me and kept their silence, thanks again.

PuroFreak

If all else fails, buy one of THESE and sleep with it under your pillow!

These Filthy Hands

PuroFreak:

If all else fails, buy one of THESE and sleep with it under your pillow!

LMAO!!!!

You just need to do what you think is right. If she said that she dosen't want to know about your past, then just leave it alone. You're not trying to hide anything. She is openly admitting that she dosen't want to know that side of you. If it's something that is bothering you that much then maybe you truly do need to sit down with her and talk. You'll make the right decision.

The Cank

take her out to a bar a smash the biggest guys face in right in front of her... That should do the trick ! Seriously a gun is a good idea but it doesn't really help the fact that she thinks you are a teddybear. This is a tuff situation, I'm not sure how I would go about it.

Diamondog

I would start with the fact that you cannot have an open conversation with someone you are going to marry and spend the rest of your life with, seems alarming to me that you cannot...not a judgement just alarming...