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Joke - How the Fight Started

Smoke=FireSmoke=Fire Posts: 692 ✭✭✭
in Non Cigar Related
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Comments

  • j0z3rj0z3r Posts: 9,403 ✭✭
    HA! I was starting to miss your jokes, glad to see you back and cracking us up.
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What 's on TV?

    I said, “Dust.”

    And then the fight started.

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for Christmas.

    She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started

    My wife said she wanted to buy a new watch.

    I said "whadda ya need that for, there's a clock on the stove"

    And then the fight started
  • PuroFreakPuroFreak Posts: 4,131 ✭✭
    madurofan:
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What 's on TV?

    I said, “Dust.”

    And then the fight started.

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for Christmas.

    She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started

    My wife said she wanted to buy a new watch.

    I said "whadda ya need that for, there's a clock on the stove"

    And then the fight started
    Haha Thats pretty good Maddy, sounds like an average day at my place! I just saw on the news that there 10,000 women battered everyday and that just shocked the hell out of me! And to think I've been eating mine plain this whole time!!
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    HAHAHA
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    PuroFreak:
    Haha Thats pretty good Maddy, sounds like an average day at my place! I just saw on the news that there 10,000 women battered everyday and that just shocked the hell out of me! And to think I've been eating mine plain this whole time!!
    Ha its an average day in my house too. I say something that I thought was funny, she doesn't, and I run for my life.

    The dog cowers every time I talk, not bc shes scared of me but bc shes smart enough to know that when I talk the wife starts yelling and anything in her way better move.
  • Smoke=FireSmoke=Fire Posts: 692 ✭✭✭
    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started....
  • PuroFreakPuroFreak Posts: 4,131 ✭✭
    My wife and I were laying in bed one night and she asked

    "If I died, would you remarry?"

    "Yes, if I was in love and found someone I could trust, I would for our son's sake"

    Next she asked "Would you let her live in this house?"

    To which I replied "Yes, I wouldn't want to have to move our son out of the only home he has ever known and I don't see the point in leaving this house with so many great memories."

    Then she asked "Well would you let her use my golf clubs?"

    And I reply "Lord NO!"

    "Why not???" she asked

    "Because... She is left handed..."

    And THEN the fight started!
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    HAHA I love these jokes.
  • Jetmech_63Jetmech_63 Posts: 3,451 ✭✭✭
    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    hehehe.. these are great.. let's see what the internet turns up:

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

    And then the fight started....

    (OK it's not the same as the other anti-women ones... but still funny)
  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ---

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' And I said, 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started...

  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    (OK.. not husband/wife... but I lauged hard at this one)

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little the things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it: he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    And that's how the fight started...
  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....
  • These Filthy HandsThese Filthy Hands Posts: 455
    These are great! Keep 'em coming.
  • Jetmech_63Jetmech_63 Posts: 3,451 ✭✭✭
    dutyje:
    'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....


    HAHAHAHAHH!!!!! OWNED!!
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