It's nice to see that you found the correct path for you.
I hope my boys do.
Be proud of what you accomplished.
I have no doubt they will Tony, they have an amazing example of what a human being and a great man is in you my friend, they have a constant reminder and example. When they finally figure out their path they will look up and see what you have shown and done for all their life and will change before your very eyes. Thank you for the kind words, it'll be okay my friends
"When walking in open territory bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they do not stop, destroy them."
I realized that I needed to allow him to experience some failure and let him know that I am there for him if he needed my help. When I changed my response to his actions, he changed his approach to school.
Oh wow! That took me back. I'd forgotten. At some point, late Sophomore or mid Junior year, I told my son "I'm not looking at your report cards anymore, they're your responsibility". Then, I showed him my application to college, and the response, which was essentially "Your HS record doesn't indicate you're college material, but we're going to give you a chance because of your military background".
I remained steadfast, as described previously, about rules at home. Be in by 11pm doesn't ever mean 1105, etc. The other thing was, manual labor. When Mom and Dad needed new insulation under the house, that was me and him crawling in the clay. What's that Sis? Need a new roof? We'll be right over with the tools. All the while, explaining to him that if he wasn't interested in formal schooling that was fine, but he still needed to learn how to do the work he'd chosen. Manual labor.
Also, I took him to the local College campus, walked through the different departments, showed him that it was quite a different atmosphere than High School. Explained that High School is mostly just indoctrination, that an education is there, if you fight for it, but that you'll have to take it from them, because none of them have the energy or are being paid enough to force it on you. No one can make you learn.
Also, that my personal goal for him was to be a good person, with an honest heart, who was able to survive in the world. If he chose to clean toilets and mop up floors, so be it. Do it with a smile, it's the life you chose.
His grades did come up enough to graduate. I found him a job between his 11th & 12th grades working putting in stadium seating and basketball goals for the summer, hard work. By graduation, he was telling me "Dad, I need to join the military, there's no real work here, no careers to speak of, and I know I'm not ready for college." I signed the papers for him to join at 17. You know the rest.
So, Bro, you see from all of us that you're not alone. Hang tough, be good, do the right thing, try not to kill him. Oh, and don't force college on him. Much better to want to go and learn, than to have it forced, or to go because it's the only way out of the house. That record is permanent, too. When I was an Army Recruiter, I saw a bunch of kids with about 3 semesters of failure behind them, just finally waking up to real life. Much better to get a grip first. Like Webmost said, give him the keys to his life, explain the rules, he's probably gonna crash. Then help him back up.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Everybody has given some good advice, maybe take a part from everybody's answer and blend it to fit YOUR situation. I have raised 2 boys & 2 girls, but still would not claim to be an expert. The one thing I would point out is that yelling/screaming/knock down drag out type tactics will not work. Use your authority & "command presence" to influence instead of volume of voice. My kids never heard me raise my voice at them( they tell me now, it always scared them worse than if I had raised my voice) The trees out back & dog are a whole different story. Always leave your son an option that will let him save face in any situation. It may not be the ideal outcome you were hoping for, but you are still guiding him in the direction you want. Sometimes they will not realize it until they are older how you influenced their path and thought it was their idea. Sometimes you have to let them make mistakes, and learn from them. This gives the opportunity for you to be supportive. Key word supportive!! Not "see I told you so dumba$$." Also discuss situation with wife/mother so you will both be on the same page & provide a united front & the same message to your son.
With my first, a boy, on the way in less than a month, people keep telling me the first year is the hardest. I keep telling them I'm more worried about the 15th-18th years. I'm sure I'll forget all of this in 15 years. Let's hope I can pull off an epic necro-post on here in a decade and a half.
There does seem to be fantastic advice here. Best of luck to you!
I have a 4 yr old boy and a 1 yr old baby girl and I have thought the last few years were tough. I can't imagine the stress I will go through in those teenage years. I think the best thing I can do is just love them unconditionally and try to set the best example I can. This parenting thing is the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it has been the most rewarding.
Well, one day when the kid was about 16, (he is now 34) I had to execute the tough love thing.
I got really mad at him for who knows what, so I literally picked him up by the scruff of his neck (amazed his shirt didnt rip off) slammed him up against the wall and eye to eye ripped into him. (I am a pretty big guy)
He got real scared and cleaned up his act for about a week.
That was a long time ago, and it took until he was maybe 31 but now he finally gets it and has really cleaned up his life and become successful.
He has two kids now (5 and 8) and I think that helped him figure life out.
UPDATE: One more thing I just remembered....... he was failing in high school so one night we went for a drive. I took him into downtown Dallas, under the bridge under I35, and showed him the homeless folks. I told him to find himself a nice old refrigerator box and meet his new neighbors. This was what he would be looking forward to. It was a pretty scary place.
Thanks for all the suggestions,,,,I think the best one was "smoke a cigar" with how many I am going to have to smoke I think I'll just spend his college fund on the cigars he drives me to smoke!
Comments
I remained steadfast, as described previously, about rules at home. Be in by 11pm doesn't ever mean 1105, etc. The other thing was, manual labor. When Mom and Dad needed new insulation under the house, that was me and him crawling in the clay. What's that Sis? Need a new roof? We'll be right over with the tools. All the while, explaining to him that if he wasn't interested in formal schooling that was fine, but he still needed to learn how to do the work he'd chosen. Manual labor.
Also, I took him to the local College campus, walked through the different departments, showed him that it was quite a different atmosphere than High School. Explained that High School is mostly just indoctrination, that an education is there, if you fight for it, but that you'll have to take it from them, because none of them have the energy or are being paid enough to force it on you. No one can make you learn.
Also, that my personal goal for him was to be a good person, with an honest heart, who was able to survive in the world. If he chose to clean toilets and mop up floors, so be it. Do it with a smile, it's the life you chose.
His grades did come up enough to graduate. I found him a job between his 11th & 12th grades working putting in stadium seating and basketball goals for the summer, hard work. By graduation, he was telling me "Dad, I need to join the military, there's no real work here, no careers to speak of, and I know I'm not ready for college." I signed the papers for him to join at 17. You know the rest.
So, Bro, you see from all of us that you're not alone. Hang tough, be good, do the right thing, try not to kill him. Oh, and don't force college on him. Much better to want to go and learn, than to have it forced, or to go because it's the only way out of the house. That record is permanent, too. When I was an Army Recruiter, I saw a bunch of kids with about 3 semesters of failure behind them, just finally waking up to real life. Much better to get a grip first. Like Webmost said, give him the keys to his life, explain the rules, he's probably gonna crash. Then help him back up.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Always leave your son an option that will let him save face in any situation. It may not be the ideal outcome you were hoping for, but you are still guiding him in the direction you want. Sometimes they will not realize it until they are older how you influenced their path and thought it was their idea.
Sometimes you have to let them make mistakes, and learn from them. This gives the opportunity for you to be supportive. Key word supportive!! Not "see I told you so dumba$$."
Also discuss situation with wife/mother so you will both be on the same page & provide a united front & the same message to your son.
There does seem to be fantastic advice here. Best of luck to you!
I got really mad at him for who knows what, so I literally picked him up by the scruff of his neck (amazed his shirt didnt rip off) slammed him up against the wall and eye to eye ripped into him. (I am a pretty big guy)
He got real scared and cleaned up his act for about a week.
That was a long time ago, and it took until he was maybe 31 but now he finally gets it and has really cleaned up his life and become successful.
He has two kids now (5 and 8) and I think that helped him figure life out.
UPDATE: One more thing I just remembered....... he was failing in high school so one night we went for a drive. I took him into downtown Dallas, under the bridge under I35, and showed him the homeless folks. I told him to find himself a nice old refrigerator box and meet his new neighbors. This was what he would be looking forward to. It was a pretty scary place.