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Favorite Chuck Norris jokes

RainRain Posts: 8,958 ✭✭✭
in Non Cigar Related
On the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it states the Chuck Norris holds all the world records, the people listed are the closest to him Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

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  • jd50aejd50ae Posts: 7,900 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
    Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
    If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.
    When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
    If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
    The most dangerous form of transportation is Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, it is also the fastest.
    Chuck Norris doesn't like bugs. Thats why the Beatles stopped making music.
    Once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
  • No_one21No_one21 Posts: 2,182 ✭✭✭
    The tears of Chuck Norris will cure cancer. But Chuck Norris will never cry.
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    in the beginning there was nothing. then God said, "let there be light"
    the next thing God said was "holy ***! is that chick norris!??!"

    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • jimmyv723jimmyv723 Posts: 1,858 ✭✭✭
    There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives

    Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life

    Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush

    The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake

    Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Hulk in the face. Now he hides in the forest and changed his name to Shrek

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take *** from anybody

    Steven Spielberg would have cast Chuck Norris in Jaws, but it would have been a 2 hour documentary about sushi

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise

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  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris doesnt need twitter. He is already following you.
    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • RainRain Posts: 8,958 ✭✭✭
    Jesus turns water in to wine. Chuck Norris turns water in to pain.
  • Retircs1Retircs1 Posts: 453 ✭
    the difference between Chuck Norris and President Barak Obama is one is and actor the other can really fight
  • 90+_Irishman90+_Irishman Posts: 12,409 ✭✭✭✭✭
    When Cuck Norris does a push up he isn't pushing himself up, he is pushing the Earth down.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks how closet for Chuck Norris.

    The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris' beard is Chuck Norris. And if he does cut his beard you find another fist beneath it.
    "When walking in open territory bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they do not stop, destroy them."
  • Bob_LukenBob_Luken Posts: 10,527 ✭✭✭✭✭
    90+ Irishman:


    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    LOL This one's always been my favorite.
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    Superman wears Chuck Norris Pajamas to bed.

    Chuck Norris once stuck lightning.

    Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

    Chuck Norris can flick the switch and get under the covers before the lights go out.

    the question isnt "Can Chuck Norris catch a cold?" but rather, "Can a cold catch Chuck Norris?".
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  • AshMeAshMe Posts: 318 ✭
    lol I've never knew things were like this with Ol Chuck. I guess since I didn't grow up in the states I never really experienced it as a kid. Man these are funny!!! A couple actually made me laugh out loud.
    "Do you smoke? Mind if I do?"  - Genie, in Aladdin. 
  • ChemnitzChemnitz Posts: 1,300 ✭✭✭
    image
  • Darktower007Darktower007 Posts: 2,580 ✭✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris actually died 5 years ago...but death was too afraid to tell him.
    Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
  • RainRain Posts: 8,958 ✭✭✭
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,917 ✭
    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • Chuck_NChuck_N Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭
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