Marriage and Cancer

Crisius

I am not sure where else to post this. And I know there are plenty of married men here that have lived long lives and who have a lot of knowledge on a multitude of things.

So, my girlfriend's father has had cancer for a while now. First it was in one leg, they cut it out. Then it popped up in the other leg. Then it metastasized and moved into his lungs. They told him he has 2 years. Today they told him he has 4 months, which is a hell of a turn. GF is down there with him and he told her he wants to see her married. Now she is all for it, I had brought it up in the past and she said she wasn't ready, doesn't want kids, etc. And I, I want kids. That's a deal breaker for me. But besides that all is well. And I'm afraid now she wants to get married just because her Dad wants to see her married before he goes and not because she actually wants to.

I'm at a loss on how to talk to her about this, and trust me asking her if it's only because her dad is dying is not the right way. My ears are still ringing.

So to those of you out there that have any advice, I'd be happy to hear it.

Wylaff

Nobody here is going to know the nuances of your situation like you and her do. The only advice that I can give is sit her down and honestly talk to her about what you think and feel. If she is insistent on not having kids, and that is truly a deal breaker, then both of you are wasting each other's time and being selfish. If it's something that can be worked around, figure it out BEFORE you go any further. But either way, you should be talking to her about it.


Good luck.

genareddog

If your questioning it don't marry. Prayers go out to your girlfriend father and also to you. Like Wayne said, sit and talk. Good luck 

Albinfk

Can't add any more to this than what was just said.

Patrickbrick

genareddog said:

If your questioning it don't marry. Prayers go out to your girlfriend father and also to you. Like Wayne said, sit and talk. Good luck 

Very much this.  Breaking up is easier and cheaper than divorce.

miller65rod

Sorry to hear of the health issues... Cancer sucks. I will be blunt on this

That request is Selfish

The request comes with major consequences and right there is the issue. Marriage is not taken seriously by many. It is a very expensive and a life changing decision that should be well thought out. You will always question why as you have already stated. Count on it. This will lead to even bigger issues down the road.

All I can say is:

Getting married for all the wrong reasons leads to divorce for all the right reasons.

BTW I would be curious as to what her reply would be if you said you cannot marry her at this time.

I will guarantee that 1 of these 2 quotes will be said at some point and time reqardless of what you decide.

1. I only married you because my dad was dying

2. My Dad would have lived longer had you married me like he wished.

Bank on it and when it does send me a box of AF's.

Whatever you do good luck. You're gonna need it.

deadman

Prayers for your GF.

They are wrong sometimes. They gave my Dad 6 months but he went on over 4 more years. 

peter4jc

Yeah, I'd be afraid to move forward with that one...  if she wasn't ready before, even w/ her father's request, she's still not ready now.  What happens when things get rocky (and they will, they do in every marriage) and she realizes that her dad's request wasn't enough to carry her through the rocky parts?  She'll bail.

The bigger question in my mind that you both have to answer is what is your idea of marriage, is it a sacred vow before God that needs to be honored no matter what?  I think of marriages in the past that were arranged; it seems like a sucky way to spend your life - with someone two sets of parents chose for you - but those marriages had a better rate of success than what we have now, because you realized marriage was a commitment with no good way out; when you have no way out you learn how to make it work.  If both you and your GF had that view of marriage, then I'd feel better saying marriage is an option.

webmost

If you insist on children and a family, while she insists on no such thing, then you are already wasting each other's time, aren't you?

Why do you persist?

Life is short. You ought to invest what few years you have finding the right person... which is, according to what you say, not each other. This is not just going to the restaurant, she wants salad, you want steak. This is you want the happy patter of little feet, she wants solitude. That's fundamental, ineluctable, deep down and basic stuff. That's natural instinct versus me first. 

So what's the excuse at play here? Are you wasting your time because you think she will change? Is she wasting hers hoping to change you? If you have to change each other so fundamentally, then how are you matched? Are you addicted to the way she curls your toes? Is it that she makes good gravy? Do you need someone to share rent? Is it true love or is it truly fear of being alone?

You do realize, don't you, that every day you stick together you have given in to her future plan, and given up on yours? Instead of coming home to a living room cluttered with toys, and laying on your back where tots play tickle Daddy, you take her out to dinner.

Easy for me to say. I am naturally uxorious. Would not be able to take my own advice. How about you? Have you more balls than me? Do you have the courage to take a stab at happiness? If you don't go get the gal you need, someone else will scoop her up. I guarantee it. Her clock is ticking. She knows it. Who is she? Where is she? Will you get there soon enough?

One more thing:

When it comes to making babies, make them while you are young enough to reap the real rewards, which is the grand and great grand babies. Parenting is unremitting hard hard work for an uncertain result. Grand-parenting is the payoff.

Good luck. Life takes some.

TNBigfoot68

All the above is spot on!

bandyt09

To answer your question in cigar terms

If you have to ask, it's mold........

Martel

Caution!

Don't get married if you have reservations about her reasons and the child thing.  Both can be worked through.  She's obviously had reservations in the past.  What's caused her change?  That's a valid question you're asking.  Work through it.

Look, I'm a minister.  I performed three weddings last year.  All young couples very much in love.  Children (yes, no, number) were an issue in two of these cases, but they were willing to talk about it.  I think they'll succeed.  You're getting married to each other not to potential kids.  Spouse always comes first.  Children don't always happen even when everybody wants them.  Spouse always comes first.

Let me say it again: spouse always comes first.  They'll be there after the kids are grown.  If that's part of your commitment to each other, you can weather the kid/no kid discussion.

But you'll need help.  Don't rush into it.  I say that not because of your situation but because everyone needs help.  

Get premarital counseling.  It doesn't have to be religious.  I use a tool called Prepare/Enrich.  Lots of people use it and there are non-religious versions.  There are guys who use it in Aberdeen and Montesano, but both are Christian pastors if that's a problem.  You might have to expand the search to find a counselor that uses it.  It's a great resource because it helps you sort through some of the family stuff together.  Premarital counseling is valuable for a number of reasons.  It helps you have a mediated conversation about reservations and concerns.  It gives you tools to address future issues.  It establishes a relationship with a counselor who you can return to in future crisis.  Even if you don't go back to the same counselor, it sets the stage for asking for help if you need it.  It also sends a message that you're committed to the relationships and are willing to invest time and energy into making it even better than it already is.

I won't marry any couple who won't agree to the counseling.   Four sessions is my minimum, at least a week apart, but I prefer six.  Sometimes I suggest more depending on P/E assessment results.  I also tell couples I'll be honest with them and I reserve the right to not perform the ceremony if I don't think things are right.  I've had some difficult conversations, but I've never not married a couple wanting to get married, thankfully.  Some of them got pissed at me for bringing stuff up, but it's healthier for them so I didn't care how they felt about me.  The key for those couples was that they stuck with the process and kept coming.

I only know of one divorce in the couples I've officiated, so something seems to be right about the process. 

Wylaff

+1 for counseling before marriage. It also gives you a great chance to see how willing they are to work on large issues before they come up. If they don't take the counseling seriously, they won't take you seriously when you bring something up later.

Bigshizza

I married at 22 because my mom was dying, don't do it. It will just add to the pain in the future....trust me.