Dear Santa
Frank here. I know I haven't been the best boy in the world this year, oh great elf. Yes, I've completed all of my trades and have sent all of my Lotto winnings, though some were kind of late. I've used naughty words on the message boards and looked at a lot of camel toe pictures. For these reasons, I won't ask you for anything for myself, since I'm sure all you would get me is a lump of gurkhas. Instead, I'll ask you for some things that the nice boys and girls on the forum could use.
I'll start with @KenpoKnight, since he was the guy who helped me with my first newbie trade. Please give him a five pack of something that doesn't suck, because I sure didn't when I traded with him.
For my good buddy @Bob_Luken, who helped me with my first humidor, please leave a garage light and keep the wind away for the next 25 minutes so he can go through his lighting routine.
My friend Chris @Yakster could use a lottery ticket one of these months, since there's no sign saying employees are not eligible. He might also appreciate an Espinosa Fiver.
Nick @Usaf06 could use a box of Gurkha governor's to bring his cigar quality average closer to the rest of us. Along those same lines, send him some Smirnoff and a six pack of Pabst blue ribbon.
Orlando @cigarexplorer could use a Bentley or maybach to go along with the padrons he smokes while driving.
David @NorCalR1 NEEDS A NEW HOCKEY TEAM! Just sayin'
Calvin @CalvinAndHobo, or fvcking Calvin as he's known in these parts, could use an indoor place to smoke. Or some isotoners.
@Patrickbrick needs some fantasy football lessons because apparently, he's the second best player in his house, AT BEST.
Dan @Far_North_64 doesn't need anything. Dude's got a smoke shack, a million lottery sticks, and two million other sticks on the way!
@Trykflyr_1 Paul could use an apprentice mechanic worth a damn and a herf shack like his buddy Dan has....Just walk it down the street to his house!
@IndustMech needs Doritos. He's running low, I hear (actually, I don't hear, lately).
@ExpendableYouth needs either a camera for the vherf or a camera stand for the one he has, so we can see his bright and shining face on the vherf...
@0patience Tony could use a fiver of Don Lino Africa's, since it's the only Camaroon he's never tried, and (yet another) new ashtray. And he needs a rookie to bomb him...
@peter4jc needs some newbs to join with dumb questions. Actually, we all need that so we can read Peter's funny replies.
@silvermouse Edward still needs that camera phone.....or instructions on how to use it. Better dust off that 20,000 awesomes badge too....
@cbuck Charles needs an alarm clock with a longer snooze button. He's the first one up every day!
Of course, don't forget to send Michael @Guitarded a six pack of Dragon's Milk. Wait, he's a Blackhawks fan; better send him 12....
Thank you for sending @Heavysetrapier an ohio quarterback last year, santa. He's the first good qb in the SEC since Tim Tebow. Maybe this year you can send him a defense so his tigers have a chance...
@CharlieHeis needs some more beer. Ok, who am I kidding, that's not true, but he definitely WANTS some more beer!
Be sure to send Jimmy @JGruvey a towel to cry in when his 50 win pacers go down in the first round of the playoffs this year.
@Stubble could use some ammo. Just kidding, santa, he has plenty! But still send him the ammo....
@Significant3 has smoked so many damn good cigars this year, that he's GOT TO BE running low. Send him a bomb from all of the forum members ...I hear he's got tons of humidor space right now.
@TheCigarChick and @timb need vacations....and a thank you note from all of us at the forum...
Of course, @Bigshizza could use some pain meds...get well soon buddy.
@danielzreyes probably wants a new driver and six new burner profiles for when he is bored.
I was going to ask for some 5 Vegas Gold's for my buddy @jd50ae but it looks like you already took care of those....nice work!
Finally Santa, don't forget about my buddy Ricky @Rhamlin. He needs, well, help....
And if you have any room left in your big bag, oh supreme elf, I wouldn't mind if that sock porn thread disappeared, along with that guy selling that CAO ashtray....
Thanks big guy!
Frank
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.
Comments
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Hit the egg nog pretty hard did ya??Now this is not the end of the cigar. It is not even the beginning of the end of the cigar. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning of the cigar.6
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Yeah, thanks @TBonz!I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.1 -
You forgot to tell Santa to please pay off your new favorite newbie's credit card debt so that I can rebuild it with cigar purchases!It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. - Jack Handey9
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OMG...it worked!!! Merry Christmas Frank!!
Hey, you gonna eat the rest of that corndog?15 -
Wait, what?
Dear santa, scratch that last request. Send me 19 million cigars and send three of your prettiest elves to deliver them....I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.9 -
Great post, Frank. It wouldn't be half as funny if it weren't so true."I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis12
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Well fvckin done, Brother! Very well done! Merry Christmas!!!I'm still troubled by what I did for that Klondike bar...6
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@VegasFrank Santa got you a football team and have made another excuse for a boys trip to LV
If you want to bomb me send it to Tony @0patience
If you are a newbie I got Dem nachos....4 -
Dear Santa
Thank you for the BBC and a ton of Dr Who Christmas specials, and more.
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LMAO! Well done Frank!
Santa got your message, because one of my customers works for a beer distributor and informed me yesterday they are bringing Dragons Milk to N.M. the first quarter of next year. Doubt that we will get any limited editions, but at least I won’t have to beg friends to ship it to me.Santa also arrived this morning and left me a few cigar accessories I have been wanting. Can’t wait to try my new scissors!
Merry Christmas ! 🎄Friends don't let good friends smoke cheap cigars.11 -
You are going to wonder how you got along without the Perfect Draw.3
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....make that six beautiful elves, santa, who are into fat guys and cooking breakfast....I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.5 -
silvermouse said:You are going to wonder how you got along without the Perfect Draw.
Saved my New World Cameroon today.Join us on Zoom vHerf (Meeting # 2619860114 Password vHerf2020 )2 -
haha, this is awesome! well done @VegasFrank.. Merry Christmas!0
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Great thread!1
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Fvckin hilarious Frank, well doneA little dirt never hurt1
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Let's review:
Steve got his ammo, Edward took a picture, Michael got his Dragons Milk, we have newbies posting humidor questions for Peter (and it may very well be DZR doing it), and Ricky was drinking scotch ("help") last night. Watch out Orlando, I'm MAGIC! Watch out Nick, I see some Cuban sandwiches in your future!I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.13 -
@VegasFrank, this was adorable. Thank you for sharing!1
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And Charlie is still the first up! I enjoyed that Frank!VegasFrank said:Let's review:
Steve got his ammo, Edward took a picture, Michael got his Dragons Milk, we have newbies posting humidor questions for Peter (and it may very well be DZR doing it), and Ricky was drinking scotch ("help") last night. Watch out Orlando, I'm MAGIC! Watch out Nick, I see some Cuban sandwiches in your future!3 -
Awesome Frank...you're one in a million. Take that reference however you want.4
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@VegasFrank
Forum 5er and a team towel on the Pacers winning round 1?
Great thread this was hilarious. 😂0 -
@VegasFrank
I guess I need an F*ing towel 😂😭😂. How many of these did you get right lol?0 -
Don't know how I. Missed this when it was posted, but I greatly enjoyed it, and see that not much has changed in a year..
I was born a fool, and just got bigger!0 -
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How did I miss this last year. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
"I drink a great deal. I sleep a little, and I smoke cigar after cigar. That is why I am in two-hundred-percent form."
-- Winston Churchill
"LET'S GO FRANCIS" Peter0 -
@VegasFrank said:
I'll start with @KenpoKnight, since he was the guy who helped me with my first newbie trade. Please give him a five pack of something that doesn't suck, because I sure didn't when I traded with him.
Chris won my nubber contest and got a five pack from me.
@VegasFrank said:
For my good buddy @Bob_Luken, who helped me with my first humidor, please leave a garage light and keep the wind away for the next 25 minutes so he can go through his lighting routine.Still waiting for this one. Sorry Bob.
@VegasFrank said:
My friend Chris @Yakster could use a lottery ticket one of these months, since there's no sign saying employees are not eligible. He might also appreciate an Espinosa Fiver.
I think we should enter Chris's name into the lottery this month.
@VegasFrank said:
Nick @Usaf06 could use a box of Gurkha governor's to bring his cigar quality average closer to the rest of us. Along those same lines, send him some Smirnoff and a six pack of Pabst blue ribbon.
Well, Michael May have gotten the case of PBR, but I think that Nick's frozen hamburger patties definitely qualify as the Gurkha of the beef world.
@VegasFrank said:
Orlando @cigarexplorer could use a Bentley or maybach to go along with the padrons he smokes while driving.
Wasn't that a BMW I saw in your garage?
@VegasFrank said:
David @NorCalR1 NEEDS A NEW HOCKEY TEAM! Just sayin'
David's coach went to the Golden knights. I'll call that a win.
@VegasFrank said:
Calvin @CalvinAndHobo, or fvcking Calvin as he's known in these parts, could use an indoor place to smoke. Or some isotoners.
I saw Calvin smoking with isotoners this past winter!
@Patrickbrick needs some fantasy football lessons because apparently, he's the second best player in his house, AT BEST.
Patrick is a lost cause.
@VegasFrank said:
Dan @Far_North_64 doesn't need anything. Dude's got a smoke shack, a million lottery sticks, and two million other sticks on the way!
Still true.
@VegasFrank said:
@Trykflyr_1 Paul could use an apprentice mechanic worth a damn and a herf shack like his buddy Dan has....Just walk it down the street to his house!
The garage is pretty nice, and he has a good herf dog!
@IndustMech needs Doritos. He's running low, I hear (actually, I don't hear, lately).
Check!
@VegasFrank said:
@ExpendableYouth needs either a camera for the vherf or a camera stand for the one he has, so we can see his bright and shining face on the vherf...
Confirmed. Mr Jeff has a camera!
@VegasFrank said:
@0patience Tony could use a fiver of Don Lino Africa's, since it's the only Camaroon he's never tried, and (yet another) new ashtray. And he needs a rookie to bomb him...
Check and check.
@VegasFrank said:
@peter4jc needs some newbs to join with dumb questions. Actually, we all need that so we can read Peter's funny replies.Last count was 562 stupid newbie questions.
@VegasFrank said:
@silvermouse Edward still needs that camera phone.....or instructions on how to use it. Better dust off that 20,000 awesomes badge too....
I do believe Mr Edward made a cameo on the vherf.
@VegasFrank said:
@cbuck Charles needs an alarm clock with a longer snooze button. He's the first one up every day!
Charlie slept in twice this year!
@VegasFrank said:
Of course, don't forget to send Michael @Guitarded a six pack of Dragon's Milk. Wait, he's a Blackhawks fan; better send him 12....
They started distributing that stuff in Albuquerque.
Thank you for sending @Heavysetrapier an ohio quarterback last year, santa. He's the first good qb in the SEC since Tim Tebow. Maybe this year you can send him a defense so his tigers have a chance...
His tigers won the championship.
@VegasFrank said:
@CharlieHeis needs some more beer. Ok, who am I kidding, that's not true, but he definitely WANTS some more beer!
Check.
@VegasFrank said:
Be sure to send Jimmy @JGruvey a towel to cry in when his 50 win pacers go down in the first round of the playoffs this year.
It didn't take a genius to figure that one out.
@VegasFrank said:
@Stubble could use some ammo. Just kidding, santa, he has plenty! But still send him the ammo....
Santa sent him some ammo.
@VegasFrank said:
@Significant3 has smoked so many damn good cigars this year, that he's GOT TO BE running low. Send him a bomb from all of the forum members ...I hear he's got tons of humidor space right now.
We still might have to make this one come true. Anyone need nachos?
@VegasFrank said:
@TheCigarChick and @timb need vacations....and a thank you note from all of us at the forum...
Lindsay did get her one day off. Sorry Lindsay, next Christmas I'll ask for two weeks.
@VegasFrank said:
Of course, @Bigshizza could use some pain meds...get well soon buddy.
I hope you're doing well, Jim. Thanks for the great smokes!
@VegasFrank said:
@danielzreyes probably wants a new driver and six new burner profiles for when he is bored.@Nickerman anyone?
@VegasFrank said:
I was going to ask for some 5 Vegas Gold's for my buddy @jd50ae but it looks like you already took care of those....nice work!
Santa took care of him twice!
@VegasFrank said:
Finally Santa, don't forget about my buddy Ricky @Rhamlin. He needs, well, help....
Confirmed on the V-Herf May 30th, 2020. Please get him some help Santa!
@VegasFrank said:
And if you have any room left in your big bag, oh supreme elf, I wouldn't mind if that sock porn thread disappeared, along with that guy selling that CAO ashtray....
Thankfully it's gone, and so is that idiot.
I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.5 -
You forgot that one paragraph about yourself... those glasses are epic!
I'm still troubled by what I did for that Klondike bar...1
