The Joke Thread

zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
This should create some good laughs for us when the forum is not too active and we are waiting for the daily deal to pop up, or waiting for someone to post their 1000th post at a certain time. Feel free to add on if you like, I have tons of them...


Let the LOLing begin............


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?''I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.'The usual?' asks the waitress.'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.'Same,' says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?''Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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Comments

  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver seat.

    He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.”

    “I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the **** opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

    I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    Mr. Goldberg, his wife and his mother-in-law were vacationing in Israel. The mother-in-law died of a massive heart attack. Dr. Zimmerman consulted with Mr. Goldberg, "You can have her buried here for only $500.00 but to have her transported to America for burial would cost you $5,000.00". Mr. Goldberg elected to have her transported to America. Dr. Zimmerman asked "Why would you transport her at such an additional cost?" to which Mr. Goldberg answered "2,000 years ago, a man died here and three days later rose up. I'm not going to take that chance with my mother-in-law".
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    President George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little good press.

    After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

    "Stanley," responds the little boy.

    "And what is your question, Stanley?"

    "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

    Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

    "Steve," he responds.

    "And what is your question, Steve?"

    "Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
  • YankeeManYankeeMan Posts: 2,223 ✭✭✭✭
    zeebra:
    This should create some good laughs for us when the forum is not too active and we are waiting for the daily deal to pop up, or waiting for someone to post their 1000th post at a certain time. Feel free to add on if you like, I have tons of them...


    Let the LOLing begin............


    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?''I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.'The usual?' asks the waitress.'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.'Same,' says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?''Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
    Same joke, but the genie was hard of hearing and he wound up with a 12 inch pianist!
  • jlmartajlmarta 50 miles from ParadisePosts: 7,278 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Weird Wanda was the terror of the nursing home. She loved to go racing up and down the halls in her wheelchair, careening around corners and just plain raising hell. One day she came screaming around a corner and an old gent stepped out of his room and said, "Stop! Stop! Do you have any proof of insurance on that vehicle?"

    So Wanda scrabbles around in her purse and found a piece of paper that turned out to be a grocery receipt. She hands it to the old guy who glances at it and says, "Okay, that's good. Go ahead."

    Wanda goes screaming down the hall and around another corner on two wheels and another guy steps out of his room and says,"Stop! Stop! Let's see your driver's license". So, she goes rummaging through her purse again and comes out with her library card. The guy says, "Okay, you can go, but drive carefully".

    So she continues on her way and races around the next corner where another old codger steps out of his room buck naked and says,"Stop! Stop!! And Wanda says,"Oh, no, not the damned breathalyzer again!"

  • gdsim1gdsim1 Posts: 213
    One night a wife is laying in bed reading a book.

    Suddenly, her husband kicks the bedroom door in and enters - carrying a goat! The gentleman wails "Do you see? THIS is the cow I have to have sex with when you wont make love to me!!!"

    The wife calmly looks up at her husband, lays her book on her chest and says "If you weren't such a moron, you would realize thats a goat darling, NOT a cow."

    The husband sets the goat down, turns to his wife and screams "And if you weren't such a self-centered b*tch, you'd realize I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!!"

  • gdsim1gdsim1 Posts: 213
    Ma & Pa are an old hillbilly couple who married when they were but teenagers, lo so many years ago.

    One fine spring day, the pair are on their front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying a lemonade, just rocking away - when suddenly Ma LEAPS out of her chair & smacks the taste outta Pa'a mouth, knocking him out of his chair and to the deck! Ma then resumes slowly rocking in her chair.

    Pa picks himself up, dusts himself off and asks Ma "Fire and brimstone Ma! What in the blazes wuz THAT fer?!?!?"

    Ma never stops her slow rocking, but answers calmly "Sixty years of BAD SEX."

    Pa sits back down and resumes rocking without another word. About 15 minutes later, Pa leaps out of HIS chair & smacks Ma upside the head, blasting her out of her chair and to the floorboards! Pa then slowly resumes rocking in his chair.

    Ma gets up, arranges her skirts and says "Great Gawd Pa! What in tarnation wuz THAT fer???"

    Never slowing his rocking, Pa replies "Fer knowin' the difference!" :-D
  • RedtailhawkozRedtailhawkoz Posts: 2,915
    California's turn... So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, You know you're from California if:
    1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
    2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
    3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
    4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
    5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
    6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
    7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
    8. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
    9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
    10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
    11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
    12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
    13. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
    14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."
    15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
    16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
    17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
    18...... Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
    19.... The Terminator is your governor.
    20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
  • badge54fdbadge54fd Posts: 242
    Men Strike Back............

    1. How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    2. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

    3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    4. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    5. How do you fix a woman's watch?

    You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

    6. Why do men pass gas more than women do?

    Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

    7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?

    The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

    8. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

    9. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

    A woman that won't do what she's told.

    10. What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

    Pregnant.

    11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.

    12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

    13. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

    Divorced.

    14. Bigamy is having one wife too many.

    Some say monogamy is the same.

    15. Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... wedding cake.

  • ljlljl Posts: 819
    Two engineering students are developing a car that runs on vaseline. This thing is running like a dream, so they start taking it everywhere. One day it runs out of vaseline out in the middle of the country. So they walk to the nearest farm house to ask for more. When they start getting close they hear an argument raging inside.
    Three voices are all screaming about how they are NOT going to do the dishes. Peeking in through one of the windows they see dirty dishes stacked everywhere. Mom, Dad and Daughter are all red faced yelling, just as they are thinking of leaving - Dad comes up with an idea. "I say we all strip down neked and lie on the floor, first one to move does all these damn dishes." Mom and daughter agree and start stripping down. It's pretty obvious to these guys that Daughter is smoking hot, Mom's no slouch herself.
    Together they decide to go in (if for no better reason than to get a better look). Once inside they say hello and ask if they can get a little help. Nobody budges, nobody answers. Student A just can't help himself any more and starts in on the daughter. Student B is a little shocked, but nobody moves and Mom is still looking pretty hot, so he starts giving it to her.
    After they're done they remember why they came in the first place and ask "Can you tell us where to find the vaseline?"... Shooting up from his spot on the floor Dad yells "ALRIGHT I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!"
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    Cool REAL Signs!

    At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

    Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

    On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."

    On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

    Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

    At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"

    Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

    At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

    At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

    On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."

    In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

    At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

    In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

    On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

    At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

    Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

    In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    A beautiful woman walks into her doctors one day and the doctor is blown away by how stunning she is and all his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take off her pants, she does and he starts rubbing her thighs. The doctor asks, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abnormalities." He then tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she does. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" She replies, "Yes, you're checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts to have sex with her. He then says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Yes, you're getting herpies..............that's why I'm here!"
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    Beer vs Women.........

    A beer is always wet.
    A woman needs encouragement.
    Advantage: Beer.

    A beer tastes horrible served hot.
    A woman tastes better served hot.
    Advantage: Women.

    Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
    Being an ice cold woman makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer.

    Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
    Women do not.
    Advantage: Draw.

    If you get a hair in your teeth while enjoying a woman, you are not disgusted.
    Advantage: Women

    24 beers come in a box.
    A woman has a box you can come in.
    Advantage: Women.

    Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
    Advantage: Women.

    If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
    Advantage: Beer.

    If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
    If you come home smelling like another woman, she will definitely get mad.
    Advantage: Beer.
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Posts: 2,561
    If Obama, Pelosi, and Biden were on a sinking vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, who would be saved?









    America!
  • RedtailhawkozRedtailhawkoz Posts: 2,915
    cabinetmaker:
    If Obama, Pelosi, and Biden were on a sinking vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, who would be saved?









    America!


    LOL
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
  • zeebrazeebra Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭
    a woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from is coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?', he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do,' she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

    'Yes, I remember,' said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

    'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said . .. 'I would have gotten out today.'
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

    The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

    Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

    No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

    Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bi**h."
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

    "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

    I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

    I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!

    I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little ****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
    "Darling, would you give me a bj?"
    Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
    Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
    Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
    Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
    Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
    Him (**** as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
    Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
    Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
    Her: "No, no. I just can't"
    Him: "I beg you ... "


    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says. "Mom says to go ahead and give him a bj. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fu**ing hand off the intercom..."
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • stephen_hannibalstephen_hannibal Posts: 4,317
    ? this is too funny.
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S.

    One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

    So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend."What part did you get?"
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • lilwing88lilwing88 ChitownPosts: 2,812 ✭✭✭
    The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
    Guns don't kill people, Daddies with pretty daughters do…..
  • New_BootsNew_Boots Posts: 2,652 ✭✭
    Echambers....still a noob
  • 0patience0patience Oregon CoastPosts: 9,121 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Funny as hell.
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    There is no crisis that a good cigar can't cure.
    In Fumo Pax
    Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.

    Wylaff said:
    Atmospheric pressure and crap.
  • jd50aejd50ae West Gnawed Pencil, TNPosts: 7,754 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up. Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance. When they met again, one was puffing away. “But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin,” protested the other. “What did you ask him?” said the first. “I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, ‘No.’” “Well,” said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, “I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!”

  • variant2variant2 <---- Don't Believe Him!Posts: 837 ✭✭✭✭
    One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

    The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

    The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

    The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

    Cнeerѕ! Moтнerғυcĸer
  • jd50aejd50ae West Gnawed Pencil, TNPosts: 7,754 ✭✭✭✭✭
    A recent study conducted by the University of Toronto's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his a$$ while he is on fire.

    Go ask your wife....

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