A conversation between a country cigar smoker and a city cigar smoker:
City: So what do you like to smoke?
Country: Well, I'm not too fond of Macanudos, don't mind Upmann's and really like the Romeo y Julietas. City: Well, what about My Fathers?
Country: What about your father's?
City: No, My Fathers cigars!
Country: Well, how would I know, I don't know your father, so how would I know what his cigars are like? City: No, that's what their called! My Father cigars.
Country: So your father has some no name cigars? I'd like to try them.
City: OMG!
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
A conversation between a country cigar smoker and a city cigar smoker:
City: So what do you like to smoke?
Country: Well, I'm not too fond of Macanudos, don't mind Upmann's and really like the Romeo y Julietas. City: Well, what about My Fathers?
Country: What about your father's?
City: No, My Fathers cigars!
Country: Well, how would I know, I don't know your father, so how would I know what his cigars are like? City: No, that's what their called! My Father cigars.
Country: So your father has some no name cigars? I'd like to try them.
City: OMG!
A conversation between a country cigar smoker and a city cigar smoker:
City: So what do you like to smoke?
Country: Well, I'm not too fond of Macanudos, don't mind Upmann's and really like the Romeo y Julietas. City: Well, what about My Fathers?
Country: What about your father's?
City: No, My Fathers cigars!
Country: Well, how would I know, I don't know your father, so how would I know what his cigars are like? City: No, that's what their called! My Father cigars.
Country: So your father has some no name cigars? I'd like to try them.
City: OMG!
LOL
That's pretty good. May I add to?
Absolutely!
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
A conversation between a country cigar smoker and a city cigar smoker:
City: So what do you like to smoke?
Country: Well, I'm not too fond of Macanudos, don't mind Upmann's and really like the Romeo y Julietas. City: Well, what about My Fathers?
Country: What about your father's?
City: No, My Fathers cigars!
Country: Well, how would I know, I don't know your father, so how would I know what his cigars are like? City: No, that's what their called! My Father cigars.
Country: So your father has some no name cigars? I'd like to try them.
City: OMG!
LOL
That's pretty good. May I add to?
Absolutely!
City. What about Alec Badley?
Country. Don't know HIM either.
City. My Uzi weighs a Ton?
Country. You want me to carry it for ya'?
City. Four Kicks.
Country. Four Kicks?! Looks like you'd a learned not to walk behind THAT horse by the 2nd kick.
City. Victor Sinclair?
Country. Now I'M about to kick you!
One day, little Johny's dad decided it was past time he taught his son how to use the potty
so he calls little Johny into the bathroom to show him just how its suppose to be done
Dad: Ok Johny there are 7 steps to becoming a big boy and using the toilet
Step #1 - unzip your pants
Step #2 - pull out your pee pee
Step #3 - pull back the extra skin
Step #4 - aim right and let loose into the toilet bowl
Step #5 - push back the extra skin
Step #6 - put your pee pee back into your pants
Step #7 - zip your pants back up
TA DA ... That's all there is to being a big boy Johny, from now on whenever you need to go potty you know how to do it like the big boy you are
The next day little Johny's dad happened to be walking down the hall and noticed little Johny duck into the bathroom and shut the door, he decided to go to the door and listen to see if Johny would follow his teachings...
As he was at the door listening all he could hear was little Johny counting off
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old-fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC."
"Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without considering that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church." And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks..ba doom chich..
So this guy pays this blond $1000 to paint his porch. Knowing this will take a while he goes inside makes a sandwich and puts on a long movie. 30 min later knock, knock... I'm done!
He walks outside, falls to his knees screaming.. NOOOOOO...NOOOO!!
You dumb ass I said porch not PORSCHE!!
oops ??
This one made me laugh.
New meaning to chaos theory.
The good news is those straps are about to get real tight. The bad news is they look darn strong.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
One Monday morning Shane the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual
route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer,
wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times...'
A woman, fresh from her shower, stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" She asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.
She stops.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me,
for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies: " You moron, you're on my side."
Little Johnny is back. The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence,little Suzy raised her hand and said we went to my uncle's farm and it was facinating. The teacher said that was good, but I wanted to hear the word fascinate. So Mary is next and says we went to NY and I was fascinated by the sites. Once again the teacher says I just want the word fascinate in a sentence. So little Johnny raises his hand and at first she is hesitant about calling on him but figured what can you say about fascinate to make it bad. So little Johnny speaks up and says my Aunt has a a sweater with 11buttons but her t+ts are so big she can only fasten eight.
You can't dispel Ignorance if you retain Arrogance!
Two guys want to be the first ones to cross a desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and dehydrated, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the guys knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to those who needed it, and thus sought to find him.
Upon arriving at his home, the two friends sit down and ask him what he advises they do. He says only one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
Understandably, the friends are confused, and ask him to repeat himself, and to clarify, thinking they misheard him. Again, the shaman only says one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree." Thinking that asking any forth will result in nothing of value, the friends thank the shaman, and leave his house. They organise to meet at the mouth of the desert the next day, where they will begin their journey.
The following day, upon meeting each other with bags full of rations and water, the guys are surprised to find the shaman waiting, carrying nothing but the clothes on his back. The friends ask if he plans on journeying with them, to which he simply replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree," while nodding. The friends explain that they won't be able to share their rations with him, to which the shaman shakes his head, while holding up his hands in a sort of 'no worries' gesture. The friends shrug it off, and start their long trek.
After about an hour of walking, the friends stop for food and drink. Having only talked to each other for the entirety of the trip, they decide to try and talk to the shaman. However, everything they ask is only replied with "Beware the Bacon Tree." After a while, the friends give up, and keep walking.
Five hours into their adventure, the sun is setting, so the friends decide to set up camp. They pitch their tents, light a fire, and settle down for the night. They ask the shaman where he is going to sleep, and he only replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree." The friends ignore him, and go to sleep.
And so, the friends keep trekking for several days, and eventually their supplies run to half-full. They seek advice from the shaman on whether they should turn around, which, as they expected, is only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Thus, the friends decide to keep going forward.
Eventually, their supplies reach one quarter of what they were originally. Knowing that it's too late to turn back now, they talk to the shaman for guidance, and to test whether he'll say anything else. Yet again, they are only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Feeling let down, the guys continue their hike.
Finally, there supplies are gone, and the two friends are starting to worry. As they glance back, they notice the shaman is not on the verge of dehydration as they are. On the contrary, he's smiling, and as he meets the gaze of the two guys, he warns, yet again, to "Beware the Bacon Tree."
As the two friends look back to the horizon in front of them, one notices a small green speck, sitting to the right of their line of sight. He shows the other guy, and they hurry over to it, with the shaman in hot pursuit.
As they approach, they notice that the green speck is actually a small bush, covered with bits of meat. When they reach the bush, the friends look back to the shaman, seeking advice. He says one thing back to them: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
One of the friends, starving, reaches forward to touch the bush. Immediately, twenty tribesman jumps out from hiding places, all armed with blow pipes, and all aiming these blow pipes at the necks of the two friends. The tribe's chief walks forward, and says to the friends, "What you say, before we kill?"
One friend turns to the other and says, "That idiot shaman got it wrong. It wasn't a bacon tree."
"It was a Ham-Bush!"
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm takin' a ****. Please advise."
You can't dispel Ignorance if you retain Arrogance!
A blonde walked into the dry cleaners to drop off her dress. The cashier said thank come again. The blonde replied , no it's just toothpaste this time you nosey witch!!!!
You can't dispel Ignorance if you retain Arrogance!
New guy at work was sent in to let me know about some problems on a piece of equipment. When he got back to the crew, they asked him, "Well, what kind of mood is he in?" Don't know, he just turned and said, What??
Yes, but what tone was the What?? Was it mellow, angry or I don't give a crap mood?
I had no idea my "What?" had so much inflection or that I work with a bunch of wusses who send the new guy to tell me about broken stuff. LOL!
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Comments
City: So what do you like to smoke?
Country: Well, I'm not too fond of Macanudos, don't mind Upmann's and really like the Romeo y Julietas.
City: Well, what about My Fathers?
Country: What about your father's?
City: No, My Fathers cigars!
Country: Well, how would I know, I don't know your father, so how would I know what his cigars are like?
City: No, that's what their called! My Father cigars.
Country: So your father has some no name cigars? I'd like to try them.
City: OMG!
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Country. Don't know HIM either.
City. My Uzi weighs a Ton?
Country. You want me to carry it for ya'?
City. Four Kicks.
Country. Four Kicks?! Looks like you'd a learned not to walk behind THAT horse by the 2nd kick.
City. Victor Sinclair?
Country. Now I'M about to kick you!
so he calls little Johny into the bathroom to show him just how its suppose to be done
Dad: Ok Johny there are 7 steps to becoming a big boy and using the toilet
Step #1 - unzip your pants
Step #2 - pull out your pee pee
Step #3 - pull back the extra skin
Step #4 - aim right and let loose into the toilet bowl
Step #5 - push back the extra skin
Step #6 - put your pee pee back into your pants
Step #7 - zip your pants back up
TA DA ... That's all there is to being a big boy Johny, from now on whenever you need to go potty you know how to do it like the big boy you are
The next day little Johny's dad happened to be walking down the hall and noticed little Johny duck into the bathroom and shut the door, he decided to go to the door and listen to see if Johny would follow his teachings...
As he was at the door listening all he could hear was little Johny counting off
Little Johny: 3-5 3-5 3-5 3-5 3-5 3-5 3-5
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old-fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC."
"Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without considering that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church." And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
My cigar got all Michael Pineda because the draw on it was so tight.
New meaning to chaos theory.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It'll make your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shlt but me."
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times...'
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" She asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.
She stops.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
They grab some seats and order a couple of beers.
The bartender says"I'm sorry but we don't serve breakfast here".
Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken s h I t
The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence,little Suzy raised her hand and said we went to my uncle's farm and it was facinating. The teacher said that was good, but I wanted to hear the word fascinate. So Mary is next and says we went to NY and I was fascinated by the sites. Once again the teacher says I just want the word fascinate in a sentence. So little Johnny raises his hand and at first she is hesitant about calling on him but figured what can you say about fascinate to make it bad. So little Johnny speaks up and says my Aunt has a a sweater with 11buttons but her t+ts are so big she can only fasten eight.
Two guys want to be the first ones to cross a desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and dehydrated, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the guys knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to those who needed it, and thus sought to find him.
Upon arriving at his home, the two friends sit down and ask him what he advises they do. He says only one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
Understandably, the friends are confused, and ask him to repeat himself, and to clarify, thinking they misheard him. Again, the shaman only says one thing: "Beware the Bacon Tree." Thinking that asking any forth will result in nothing of value, the friends thank the shaman, and leave his house. They organise to meet at the mouth of the desert the next day, where they will begin their journey.
The following day, upon meeting each other with bags full of rations and water, the guys are surprised to find the shaman waiting, carrying nothing but the clothes on his back. The friends ask if he plans on journeying with them, to which he simply replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree," while nodding. The friends explain that they won't be able to share their rations with him, to which the shaman shakes his head, while holding up his hands in a sort of 'no worries' gesture. The friends shrug it off, and start their long trek.
After about an hour of walking, the friends stop for food and drink. Having only talked to each other for the entirety of the trip, they decide to try and talk to the shaman. However, everything they ask is only replied with "Beware the Bacon Tree." After a while, the friends give up, and keep walking.
Five hours into their adventure, the sun is setting, so the friends decide to set up camp. They pitch their tents, light a fire, and settle down for the night. They ask the shaman where he is going to sleep, and he only replies with "Beware the Bacon Tree." The friends ignore him, and go to sleep.
And so, the friends keep trekking for several days, and eventually their supplies run to half-full. They seek advice from the shaman on whether they should turn around, which, as they expected, is only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Thus, the friends decide to keep going forward.
Eventually, their supplies reach one quarter of what they were originally. Knowing that it's too late to turn back now, they talk to the shaman for guidance, and to test whether he'll say anything else. Yet again, they are only met with "Beware the Bacon Tree." Feeling let down, the guys continue their hike.
Finally, there supplies are gone, and the two friends are starting to worry. As they glance back, they notice the shaman is not on the verge of dehydration as they are. On the contrary, he's smiling, and as he meets the gaze of the two guys, he warns, yet again, to "Beware the Bacon Tree."
As the two friends look back to the horizon in front of them, one notices a small green speck, sitting to the right of their line of sight. He shows the other guy, and they hurry over to it, with the shaman in hot pursuit.
As they approach, they notice that the green speck is actually a small bush, covered with bits of meat. When they reach the bush, the friends look back to the shaman, seeking advice. He says one thing back to them: "Beware the Bacon Tree."
One of the friends, starving, reaches forward to touch the bush. Immediately, twenty tribesman jumps out from hiding places, all armed with blow pipes, and all aiming these blow pipes at the necks of the two friends. The tribe's chief walks forward, and says to the friends, "What you say, before we kill?"
One friend turns to the other and says, "That idiot shaman got it wrong. It wasn't a bacon tree."
"It was a Ham-Bush!"
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
I’ve got a few of those but I only tell them when I’m trying to bring a party to an end and cause everyone to go home...
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty
Navy chief petty officer of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense
guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend
for coffee. While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her
new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm takin' a ****. Please advise."
When he got back to the crew, they asked him, "Well, what kind of mood is he in?"
Don't know, he just turned and said, What??
Yes, but what tone was the What??
Was it mellow, angry or I don't give a crap mood?
I had no idea my "What?" had so much inflection or that I work with a bunch of wusses who send the new guy to tell me about broken stuff.
LOL!
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.