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Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's **** lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its ,body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........women have told me that)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left- handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that maybe a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know alot of people like that.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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Comments

  • kaspera79kaspera79 Posts: 7,259 ✭✭✭
    Zoom-a-zoom. very funny bro. One of the only posts I shared with my wife.. She thought it was funny too.
  • LasabarLasabar Posts: 4,473 ✭✭✭
    That's some good stuff right there!
  • gmill880gmill880 Posts: 5,947
    Thanks Zoom that gave me a good laugh ...
  • JdoraisJdorais Posts: 653
    I love that kind of stuff! Than you Zoom!
  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Posts: 2,561
    30 minutes?? .....Damn pigs...
  • gmill880gmill880 Posts: 5,947
    cabinetmaker:
    30 minutes?? .....Damn pigs...

    Must be the mud ......
  • LukoLuko Posts: 2,004
    My wife always calls me a pig and I always took as an insult. Suey, baby, suey.
  • Matt MarvelMatt Marvel Posts: 930
    Haha, that's some pretty good stuff. Not only did I learn something, I got a good laugh.
  • LasabarLasabar Posts: 4,473 ✭✭✭
    I wish I was a Pig...

    But then My girlfriend would be complaining that we only make love for 32 minutes...........
  • zoom6zoomzoom6zoom Posts: 1,214
    More thoughts...
    Just Wondering
    • Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
    • Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
    • Why did God give men nipples?
    • Is grass really greener on the other side?
    • Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
    • If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
    • If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
    • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
    • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
    • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
    • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
    • If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
    • If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
    • You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
    • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
    • Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
    • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    • If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
    • How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
    • If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
    • Why does X stand for a kiss?
    • Why do we itch?
    • Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
    • Why do old women dye their hair blue?
    • Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,634 ✭✭✭✭
    why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

    why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
  • Bad AndyBad Andy Posts: 848
    oh thanks for the laughs...
  • 4bob44bob4 Posts: 212
    hahaha some of those are pretty good.
  • bigbgballzbigbgballz Posts: 283
    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. PS.How do you make your text look like separate paragraphs? It looks like separate paragraphs when i compose but when i post it all become one paragraph? Thanks.
  • Renaissance_ManRenaissance_Man Posts: 972
    Damn it this forum is formatted in such a sh*tty way! Anyway... I couldnt post you instruction... So here is a link to help you... Instructions
  • bigbgballzbigbgballz Posts: 283
    Thank You!
    I think I got it now :)
  • LukoLuko Posts: 2,004
    bigbgballz:
    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. PS.How do you make your text look like separate paragraphs? It looks like separate paragraphs when i compose but when i post it all become one paragraph? Thanks.
    That there's some funny ***...I'm gonna try em and I'll let you know how it works out.
  • bigbgballzbigbgballz Posts: 283
    I doubt we are going to hear from you again :)
  • LasabarLasabar Posts: 4,473 ✭✭✭
    Luko:
    bigbgballz:
    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. PS.How do you make your text look like separate paragraphs? It looks like separate paragraphs when i compose but when i post it all become one paragraph? Thanks.
    That there's some funny ***...I'm gonna try em and I'll let you know how it works out.
    The wake will be held this Wednesday and the funeral will be the following Friday...

    It'll be hard to find a smoke-friendly church, but it's his wish...
  • zoom6zoomzoom6zoom Posts: 1,214
    I've actually used a variation on the broom line... one of my managers was complaining, "I can't find my broom". I told her, "That's OK, one of us can give you a ride home." She laughed her ass off.
  • zoom6zoomzoom6zoom Posts: 1,214
    Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

    I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. My girlfriend needs to realize that this solution will work for her, too.

    There is a great need for sarcasm font.

    Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the *** was going on when I first saw it.

    How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history and delete all your porn if you die.

    The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

    Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

    I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

    How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

    I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a *** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

    Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

    What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

    While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

    MapQuest really needs to start their directions on step #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

    Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    Bad decisions make good stories.

    Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

    Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

    If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

    Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Sometimes this happens before I pull out of the driveway.

    Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

    There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

    I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

    I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

    While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

    I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

    I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

    I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

    Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

    As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

    I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

    Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

    Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

    My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

    It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text..

    I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

    I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

    The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat *** before dinner.

  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,634 ✭✭✭✭
    zoom6zoom:
    My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
    thats easy. there is no way you could ever run over a ninja in your car. they are too quick.
    its like asking if a ninja ever catches a cold. the real question is "can a cold catch a ninja?"
  • bibbybibby Posts: 152
    zoom6zoom:
    Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

    Single greatest line ever... It cannot be beat!!!

    Rob
  • 4bob44bob4 Posts: 212
    Damn zoom I just got all those via email and was about to post them. There was one extra one at the end of my email though

    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (like right now)
  • HaysHays Costa del Sol, SpainPosts: 2,338 ✭✭✭
    zoom6zoom:
    The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat *** before dinner.

    Unfortunately, this one is totally my favorite...lol
    ¨The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea¨ - Isak Dinesen

    ¨Only two people walk around in this world beardless - boys and women - and I am neither one.¨
  • bigbgballzbigbgballz Posts: 283

    This is something we should all read at least once a week. Written
    By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
    To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life
    taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My
    odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

    1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

    3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

    4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
    parents will. Stay in touch.

    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

    6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

    7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

    8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

    9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

    11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

    12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

    13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
    journey is all about.

    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
    never blinks.

    16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

    17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

    18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

    19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
    is up to you and no one else.

    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
    for an answer.

    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
    Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

    23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

    25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

    26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
    will this matter?'

    27. Always choose life.

    28. Forgive everyone everything.

    29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.

    31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

    32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

    33. Believe in miracles.

    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
    did or didn't do.

    35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

    36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

    37. Your children get only one childhood.

    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

    39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

    40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
    we'd grab ours back.

    41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

    42. The best is yet to come.

    43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

    44. Yield.

    45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
  • zoom6zoomzoom6zoom Posts: 1,214
    4bob4:
    Damn zoom I just got all those via email and was about to post them. There was one extra one at the end of my email though

    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (like right now)
    It's in my list... just not at the end. Sometimes that feeling comes upon me before pulling out of the driveway in the morning.

    I love these things because it's the way my mind works, too. Back when I worked in an office, I posted the "thought for the day" on the department whiteboard every day. I was also moderator on a forum and used a different one of these for a sig line with every post I made.
  • Two thoughts:

    If a turtle loses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?

    The letter "H" is the only letter in the alphabet that cannot be spelled out.
  • alienmisprintalienmisprint Posts: 3,966 ✭✭✭
    These Filthy Hands:
    Two thoughts:

    If a turtle loses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?

    The letter "H" is the only letter in the alphabet that cannot be spelled out.
    Aytch
  • cabinetmakercabinetmaker Posts: 2,561
    alienmisprint:
    These Filthy Hands:
    Two thoughts:

    If a turtle loses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?

    The letter "H" is the only letter in the alphabet that cannot be spelled out.
    Aytch
    HA!!!
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