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Chuck Norris Jokes

These Filthy HandsThese Filthy Hands Posts: 455
in Non Cigar Related
When Chuck Norris's *** hits the fan, the fan breaks.

Chuck Norris once beat IBM's Deep Blue computer in a chess match in three moves with only a pawn, thimbol, and a red checker

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris's house is a Total Gym

Every cell in Chuck Norris's body has a beard

Chuck Norris can kick the inside of a man's face

When the sun goes down, it lingers on the horizon for a couple of extra minutes to get one last look at Chuck Norris

One the first day, God created the planets and cosmos and looked down and said, "Holy ***!!! Is that Chuck Norris?!?

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
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Comments

  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    I don't know why, but Chuck Norris jokes always make me laugh.
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    dutyje:
    I don't know why, but Chuck Norris jokes always make me laugh.
    Same here. They're so dumb but its still hilarious.
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    Besides being an award winning movie, Brokeback Mountain is also the name of the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' front yard.
  • Dude LoveDude Love Posts: 315
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8k3uGzgZIs
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    chuck norris makes onions cry

    chuck norris once struck lightning

    chuck norris is so patriotic that he eats tyranny and **** out apple pie.

    chuck norris once ate three 72oz porterhouse steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes **** his waitress.
    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands, when he left the were known as The Islands.
  • alienmisprintalienmisprint Posts: 3,964 ✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris can speak braille.

    Chuck Norris once went into a McDonald's and asked for a Whopper.......and got it.

    Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered with human skulls.

    Chuck Norris can win Connect Four in only three moves.

    If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

    When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole cow, but he only eats its soul.

    Tornadoes do not exist, Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    chuck norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    chuck norris can divide by zero
    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • rmccloudrmccloud Posts: 160 ✭✭
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, to bad he never cries.
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.


    now he wants yours.
    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • Jetmech_63Jetmech_63 Posts: 3,451 ✭✭✭
    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar and it exploded 2 seconds later....no building can contain that amount of awesomeness
  • Garen BGaren B Posts: 977
    It took 3 women five years to give birth to Chuck Norris

    When God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said "Say Please."

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

    Chuck Norris used to be pro life, then he started eating babies.
  • plaidbanana1plaidbanana1 Posts: 187 ✭
    When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, Chuck doesnt get wet, the lake gets Chuck.
  • plaidbanana1plaidbanana1 Posts: 187 ✭
    I once heard that Chuck Norris won a staring contest, WITH THE SUN.
  • urbinourbino Posts: 4,517 ✭
    Chuck Norris is a very bad actor.

    Wait, I don't think I have the hang of this, yet.
  • LukoLuko Posts: 2,003 ✭✭
    These crack my *** up too.
  • kaspera79kaspera79 Posts: 7,257 ✭✭✭
    I heard that Apple pays Chuck Norris .99 cents every time he downloads a song, and there is no Ctrl key on his computer, Chuck is always the one in control ! Hell, he can kill two stones with one bird.
  • kuzi16kuzi16 Posts: 14,633 ✭✭✭✭
    chuck norris lost his virginity before his father.
    Kuzi's Forum Links Page
  • j0z3rj0z3r Posts: 9,403 ✭✭
    kuzi16:
    chuck norris lost his virginity before his father.
    Chuck Norris never loses!
  • Dude LoveDude Love Posts: 315
    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep...

    ...he waits.
  • j0z3rj0z3r Posts: 9,403 ✭✭
    Some people say that a butterfly's flapping wings could have far reaching consequences on the other side of the world. The Butterfly was a poetic replacement for Chuck Norris, whose round house kick causes tsunamis in Japan.
  • urbinourbino Posts: 4,517 ✭
    Chuck Norris has male pattern baldness.




    That's still not right, is it?
  • StoogeeStoogee Posts: 157
    Mr. T, Arnold Shcwarzzenger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be." Mr. T steps and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the governator." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and say "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "biitch your in my seat."
  • dutyjedutyje Posts: 2,263 ✭
    ROFL, Urby!! Just keep trying, you'll get there :)
  • madurofanmadurofan Posts: 6,219 ✭✭✭
    dutyje:
    ROFL, Urby!! Just keep trying, you'll get there :)
    Just be careful talking bad about Chuck, he sees and hears all ...
  • Dude LoveDude Love Posts: 315
    madurofan:
    dutyje:
    ROFL, Urby!! Just keep trying, you'll get there :)
    Just be careful talking bad about Chuck, he sees and hears all ...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu1wNxr9Sqg

    He'll find you...
  • urbinourbino Posts: 4,517 ✭
    Well, tell him to pack a lunch. I've got a burro and a tiny hockey player, and I'm not afraid to use them.
  • smbrinksmbrink Posts: 406 ✭
    Chuck Norris can kill you in 7 different languages. Chuck Norris once challenged The Great wall of China to a game of tennis...and won. Someone once bet Chuck Norris that he couldnt take a dump on the ceiling...Michael Angelo still owes him 20 bucks. When the Boogey-Man goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. A blind ma once bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck then exclaims "Dont you know who I am??? Im Chuck Norris!" the mere mention of His name cured the man of his blindness...too bad the first and only thing he saw was the fatal round-house to the face. Chuck Norris' laughter can bring back the dead, Ironically the only time he laughs is after hes killed someone.
  • iwsmith2iwsmith2 Posts: 65
    Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
  • j0z3rj0z3r Posts: 9,403 ✭✭
    Chuck Norris is so fat, when his beeper goes off people think he's backing up.
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