A man boarded a plane with 6 children. After getting them all settled in their seats a woman leans over and says 'are all those kids yours?' No, replied the man. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints I'm taking back to the home office !
.. Hey gmill.. What company was that anyway ? .. what say you Reaissance man.
A man boarded a plane with 6 children. After getting them all settled in their seats a woman leans over and says 'are all those kids yours?' No, replied the man. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints I'm taking back to the home office !
.. Hey gmill.. What company was that anyway ? .. what say you Reaissance man.
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" The wife replies, "I would take half and leave you." The man hands her $6 and says, "Good, I won twelve bucks, here's your half. Get the hell out!"
A prostitute, feeling sick, visits her doctor. The doctor informs her that she's pregnant and asks "Do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies "Well, when you eat a bunch of beans, do you know which one makes you fart?"
This is just good ol' funny right here. Most of you have probably seen something like this, but I always end up in laughing stupor...no matter how many times I've seen it.
Hopefully the link works right, this is the first time I've tried a link like this.
One day, a man came home from work and found his wife in the bedroom dressed in a sexy nightie.
She purred as she said, "tie me up and do whatever you want."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
This is just good ol' funny right here. Most of you have probably seen something like this, but I always end up in laughing stupor...no matter how many times I've seen it.
Hopefully the link works right, this is the first time I've tried a link like this.
Oh man I was laughing for a good ten minutes after watching that. And now I know Jack Schitt.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . Mary . ."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night."
"The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
1. Open a new/empty file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or "That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
A boy goes to his father one day and asks him "Dad, what does a **** look like?"
"Well son" the dad replies. "Before sex, a **** is a beautiful, delicate thing. Like a perfect, little flower..."
Curious, the boy asks "And what about after sex?"
"Son," the father looks intently at his boy. "You ever seen a pitbull eat mayonnaise?"
Thats disgusting...
Anyways, a pirate walks into bar with a tiller down his pants. He orders a beer and the bartender says "sure, but why do you have a tiller down your pants?" The pirate says "Arr, I don't know but it's drivin me nuts!!!"
If we're gonna do cheesey jokes, here are some favs:
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A String walks into a bar. Bartender tells the string, "We don't serve your kind here!"
String walks outside, ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair. He turns around and walks back into the bar.
Bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"
String replies, "'Frayed knot!"
so to make up for that last bomb of a joke and because it is thanksgiving week I searched and read through tons of jokes and found this one. Enjoy:
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
so to make up for that last bomb of a joke and because it is thanksgiving week I searched and read through tons of jokes and found this one. Enjoy:
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
I've heard this one before, but his wife was a butcher and used pig innards. Still gets a little chuckle no matter how it's told.
A rich rancher passes away leaving everything to his attractive widow. Determined to keep the ranch but knowing nothing about how to run it she runs an ad for a hired hand. Two cowboys answer the ad -a gay cowboy and a drunkard cowboy. After no one else applies she finally decides , I'll hire the gay one , should be safer with him around than the drunkard. He works out quite well and after 2 weeks of really really hard work she tells him on saturday evening he should go into town and "kick up his heels". He agrees he could use the rest. By midnight he's not back from town , 1o'clock no cowboy , 2 o'clock still no hired hand. Finally at 3 o 'clock in the morning he creeps into the house and heads to his room. The attractive widow is sitting by the fireplace with a half empty bottle of wine. She orders him to come over to where shes sitting next to the fireplace. Unbotton my blouse and take it off she orders. With trembling hands he obeys and drops the blouse on the floor. Now take off my boots she orders. Again ever so slowly he removes her boots. Now take off my socks. Very gently with trembling hands he removes the socks and lays them neatly by the boots. Now take off my skirt. With trepidition he removes the skirt and lets it fall to the floor. Now remove my bra. Hands now visibly shaking he removes her bra and lets it slide to the floor. Now, says the attractive widow " If you ever wear my clothes into town again I will fire you on the spot !!!"
What is the definition of the ultimate rejection ?
When your hand goes to sleep !
I had about a 70 year old dude jacked up on meds tell me that yesterday ...he was quite funny for a guy thats normally really serious ...LMAO
What is jello? Kool aid with a hard on. The old janitor at my high school used to tell us jokes like that all the time. He was cool as ****, heres to you crazy Carl you dirty old man.
A very ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course went, cut her free, and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night and all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky ***!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'
Comments
I think it was the 'Trojan Split' ...LOL
A prostitute, feeling sick, visits her doctor. The doctor informs her that she's pregnant and asks "Do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies "Well, when you eat a bunch of beans, do you know which one makes you fart?"
Stop laughing and reload ;-)
(To be honest, this joke started out with a black man instead, but I don't like racist jokes and I hate teenagers.... :-) )
¨Only two people walk around in this world beardless - boys and women - and I am neither one.¨
Hopefully the link works right, this is the first time I've tried a link like this.
She purred as she said, "tie me up and do whatever you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
I responed: "I don't know"
She replied: "Oh my god no one knows what it means!"
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Lean beef.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . Mary . ."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night."
"The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
"Well son" the dad replies. "Before sex, a **** is a beautiful, delicate thing. Like a perfect, little flower..."
Curious, the boy asks "And what about after sex?"
"Son," the father looks intently at his boy. "You ever seen a pitbull eat mayonnaise?"
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or "That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Anyways, a pirate walks into bar with a tiller down his pants. He orders a beer and the bartender says "sure, but why do you have a tiller down your pants?" The pirate says "Arr, I don't know but it's drivin me nuts!!!"
So a guy walks into a bar
why didn't he duck?
three men walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks.
i love jokes like that.
such as:
a white guy, a black guy, and a chines guy walk into a bar. the bartender looks at them and asks "is this some kind of a joke?"
yeah.... im a nerd
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A String walks into a bar. Bartender tells the string, "We don't serve your kind here!"
String walks outside, ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair. He turns around and walks back into the bar.
Bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"
String replies, "'Frayed knot!"
Enjoy:
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
When your hand goes to sleep !
I had about a 70 year old dude jacked up on meds tell me that yesterday ...he was quite funny for a guy thats normally really serious ...LMAO
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course went, cut her free, and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night and all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky ***!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'
'Don 't know. Never found the head.'