Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Lasabar
Posts: 4,472 ✭✭✭
I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!
I'll start
A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"
Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"
Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"
Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!
I'll start
A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"
Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"
Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"
Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!
-1
Comments
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5.
The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
OK, said the old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and exclaimed, Your brother wont let me in the restaurant without a tie!
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked; 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
Being see sick with lock jaw.
"Yes, I think I'm getting a sore throat."
The first replies, "You know what I do when that happens? I go home and give my husband oral sex, it fixes me right up."
The next day, she asks, "Are you feeling better today?"
"Yes, I did what you suggested. Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"
"Hello, little boy" she says as she waves to him with her pinkie finger.
Every day as he passes by she says the same thing "Hello, little boy" while she waves with her one, small pinkie finger.
Finally, one day the young boy asks the lady, "Why do you wave at me like this?" She replied, because my little finger is the same size as your little ****".
So, the next day the little boy, once again passes the **** house, to which he hears the lady say "Hello, little boy" as she waves. So he responds "HELLO LADY!!!" with his fingers in his mouth, stretching his checks as far as he can.
A: Very pleasing!
he picks it up, because he likes to play now and again, puts it in his pocket, and continues to the door.
he knocks on the door and his girlfriend opens it. she immediately hugs him.
feeling the tennis ball in his pocket she says, "hey, whats that?"
the guy says, "oh" and explains "...tennis ball"
she backs off a bit shocked and says "man, thats really gotta hurt, i once had tennis elbow"
...becasue it was dead
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote"
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spottedan attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with, "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golftits," I replied
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy said, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.
Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
At an entrance:
Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?
Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.
The golf pro asks, "Where?"
Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second holes."
The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."
AND WHY NO CIGAR JOKES YET?
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ***. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
You can GET cigars.
You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
You can have cigars even in front of your mother
Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.
You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
With cigars there's no need to fake it.
Cigars don't make you pregnant.
You can have cigars at any time of the month.
Good cigars are easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake
With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"
I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a *** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
There is a great need for sarcasm font
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
"Hello, are your mom and dad home?" asks the salesman.
The boy replies, "Now what the FU@K do you think?!"
A:Very pleasing.
The captain comes over the intercome saying that they need to make an emergency landing becasue the enignes just went out. One of the ladies on board starts freaking out on how she has never had beautiful man treat her like a real woman before. So a guy a few aisles up hears this. We're talking tall dark and handsome stands up and says "I belive I may offer some assistance." He takes off his shirt and say "here iron this."