WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out... Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself..
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
John Congdon
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. **** can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my **** is.
A: Your **** is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an **** then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?” The bartender responds, “It’s a bet that no one has won yet. You put 100 dollars in the jar to enter. If you manage to complete the bet, all the money in the jar is yours.”
“Oh yeah?” responds the man. “Why don’t you tell me more about the bet then?”
The bartender answers, “It’s pretty straightforward really,” he points at a corner of the bar, “See that man over there? That’s Big Lenny, if he stood up you’d notice he’s over 6’4” and built like a tank.” The man responds, “Yeah, I see him. Let me guess, the bet is to beat him up or something?”
The bartender answers, “Yes exactly, you gotta knock Big Lenny out. But that’s only the first part of the bet. There are two other parts that are even harder.”
The bartender continues, “The second part is this: Big Lenny has a rottweiler that’s chained to a pole outside. All you gotta do is go out there and pull one of its teeth out.”
“Oh, I guess now I understand why no one has won the bet yet.”
The bartender continues, “Yeah, and all of that doesn’t even hold a candle to the final part of the bet. You see Big Lenny’s 90-year-old mother lives upstairs. What you need to know about this woman is that no man has ever been able to give her an ****. And so the final part of the bet is you gotta go up there and fu*k her so good that she gets the first **** of her life.”
After hearing all of that, the man thinks it’s a lost cause and decides to ignore the whole thing. But after spending hours at the bar downing drinks, he became so wasted that he decided to enter the bet.
The man slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter, gets up, runs toward Big Lenny and breaks a beer bottle on his head, knocking him out.
He then drunkenly stumbles his way out of the bar to find the rottweiler. At first everyone at the bar hears the rottweiler growl, then they hear it bark and howl extremely loudly, but then it suddenly goes completely silent.
The man makes his way back to the bar and shouts, “Now show me that 90-year-old lady whose tooth I gotta pull out!”
After I got hit by a car. I woke up in the hospital and saw a gorgeous doctor looking at me. She said “I’m sorry to inform you that you won’t be able to feel anything below the waist.”
I replied, “I understand,” then squeezed her boobs.
I just went in for routine bloodwork. As I entered the office the lab technician asked me which arm I prefer her to use. I quickly responded, you can pick whichever one you want. She replied, I want the juiciest one! So I pulled down my pants. She was not amused.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while the early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two inventions were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to Bar-B-Que at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians”, an early word meaning “bad hunters”) learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly Bar-B-Que's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and the beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized as the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass they are, for obvious reasons. Modern liberals like 'lite' beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists, and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher work extra hard as to go to bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively at whatever they set out to do. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who actually want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America; they crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a big business of trying to get more for nothing.
When God Sends You Help, Don't Ask Questions
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said to herself, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Just then, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick and. I must get home; but I've locked my keys in my car. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in there for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder and lightning in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
Comments
^^^ This explains everything.
Back to the future, cat.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
John Congdon
One of my favorites, and true.
https://youtu.be/rhMCdUd39A0
Trapped in the People's Communits Republic of Massachusetts.
If men wrote advice columns
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. **** can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my **** is.
A: Your **** is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an **** then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?” The bartender responds, “It’s a bet that no one has won yet. You put 100 dollars in the jar to enter. If you manage to complete the bet, all the money in the jar is yours.”
“Oh yeah?” responds the man. “Why don’t you tell me more about the bet then?”
The bartender answers, “It’s pretty straightforward really,” he points at a corner of the bar, “See that man over there? That’s Big Lenny, if he stood up you’d notice he’s over 6’4” and built like a tank.” The man responds, “Yeah, I see him. Let me guess, the bet is to beat him up or something?”
The bartender answers, “Yes exactly, you gotta knock Big Lenny out. But that’s only the first part of the bet. There are two other parts that are even harder.”
The bartender continues, “The second part is this: Big Lenny has a rottweiler that’s chained to a pole outside. All you gotta do is go out there and pull one of its teeth out.”
“Oh, I guess now I understand why no one has won the bet yet.”
The bartender continues, “Yeah, and all of that doesn’t even hold a candle to the final part of the bet. You see Big Lenny’s 90-year-old mother lives upstairs. What you need to know about this woman is that no man has ever been able to give her an ****. And so the final part of the bet is you gotta go up there and fu*k her so good that she gets the first **** of her life.”
After hearing all of that, the man thinks it’s a lost cause and decides to ignore the whole thing. But after spending hours at the bar downing drinks, he became so wasted that he decided to enter the bet.
The man slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter, gets up, runs toward Big Lenny and breaks a beer bottle on his head, knocking him out.
He then drunkenly stumbles his way out of the bar to find the rottweiler. At first everyone at the bar hears the rottweiler growl, then they hear it bark and howl extremely loudly, but then it suddenly goes completely silent.
The man makes his way back to the bar and shouts, “Now show me that 90-year-old lady whose tooth I gotta pull out!”
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
After I got hit by a car. I woke up in the hospital and saw a gorgeous doctor looking at me. She said “I’m sorry to inform you that you won’t be able to feel anything below the waist.”
I replied, “I understand,” then squeezed her boobs.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a peni$ drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
Poop jokes are not my favorite kind of joke, but they are a solid Number Two.
I just went in for routine bloodwork. As I entered the office the lab technician asked me which arm I prefer her to use. I quickly responded, you can pick whichever one you want. She replied, I want the juiciest one! So I pulled down my pants. She was not amused.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
When they ask me "Which arm?" I say "Why, yours, of course". I'm sure it's the first time they've ever heard that one...
What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
Why do male squirrels swim on their back?
To keep their nuts dry.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while the early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two inventions were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to Bar-B-Que at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians”, an early word meaning “bad hunters”) learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly Bar-B-Que's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and the beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized as the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass they are, for obvious reasons. Modern liberals like 'lite' beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists, and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher work extra hard as to go to bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively at whatever they set out to do. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who actually want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America; they crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a big business of trying to get more for nothing.
Herewith ends today's lesson in world history.
But where is the joke?
Trapped in the People's Communits Republic of Massachusetts.
What's the difference between a vegetarian and a vegan?
A vegetarian is the top and the vegan is the bottom.
Trapped in the People's Communits Republic of Massachusetts.
How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
When God Sends You Help, Don't Ask Questions
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said to herself, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Just then, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick and. I must get home; but I've locked my keys in my car. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in there for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder and lightning in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
A good cigar and whiskey solve most problems.
Man goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing".
Doctor says. "can you describe the symptoms for me"
Man replies "Sure. Homer is fat and bald, Marge has tall blue hair..."