A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a doctor's office. The doctor says I need to know Your blood type. The rabbit says "I am a typo".
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Schrodinger and Heisenberg were out driving together when they were pulled over by a policeman.
The cop walks up to the window and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I was.”
The cop is unamused and orders the physicists to open their trunk. He looks in and sees a dead cat.
“Do you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?”
Schrodinger replies, “Well, I do now!”
"A programmer’s wife asks him, 'Would you go to the shop and pick up a loaf of bread? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.' The programmer goes to the store and returns home with 12 loaves of bread. 'They had eggs,' he explained."
An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are attempting to hit a target 400 feet away with a cannon. They physicist says, "This is easy!". He does the calculations and fires but falls 100 feet short. The engineer tells him he forgot to factor in imperfections and error. He calculates, and overshoots by 100 feet. The statistician then declares, "We hit it!"
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
There was an order of friars…
There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention his flower arrangements were very poor quality.
Sure enough, as soon as the friars opened their florist shop, they were busy beyond belief. So much so that the other florist in town noticed a considerable downturn in his business.
He went to the friars and tried to reason with them. "There's room for two florists in town, but you guys need to either raise your prices or lower your quality" he said. The Friars refused. After all what type of friars would they be if they resorted to those tactics?
Frustrated with the friars and knowing he would soon be going out of business the other florist decided he had to take matters into his own hands in order to survive. He reached out to Hugh the town bully. He explained that he didn't care what tactics Hugh used but at the end of the day he wanted the friars florist shop closed!
Hugh went to see the friars florist shop and started tearing the place up. When the friars tried to stop him Hugh worked them over as well until alas, the friars said , "ok, ok, we'll close our florist shop!"
The moral of the story? Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said,
"I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..?
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded"Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs"
The king agreed.
In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…
The guard was baffled…
But he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.
So when the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .
When he was thrown in,
everyone was amazed at what they saw..
The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister..licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
Comments
It's been a life-long favorite pastime of mine, telling groaners and watching people groan. So, thank you, Shawn.
@peter4jc you say you like groaners?
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a doctor's office. The doctor says I need to know Your blood type. The rabbit says "I am a typo".
That last bullet ^ earned my lol.
Three Sharks fans walked into a bar. The Golden Knights fan ducked so he wouldn't hit it.
Not a joke per se but pretty wtf-worthy
https://www.boredpanda.com/real-estate-fails/
Schrodinger and Heisenberg were out driving together when they were pulled over by a policeman.
The cop walks up to the window and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I was.”
The cop is unamused and orders the physicists to open their trunk. He looks in and sees a dead cat.
“Do you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?”
Schrodinger replies, “Well, I do now!”
Wait… maybe it was alive🤔
As long as we're doing physicist jokes...
What is the difference between a group of pygmies and a women's track team?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
"A programmer’s wife asks him, 'Would you go to the shop and pick up a loaf of bread? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.' The programmer goes to the store and returns home with 12 loaves of bread. 'They had eggs,' he explained."
And for @VegasFrank
An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are attempting to hit a target 400 feet away with a cannon. They physicist says, "This is easy!". He does the calculations and fires but falls 100 feet short. The engineer tells him he forgot to factor in imperfections and error. He calculates, and overshoots by 100 feet. The statistician then declares, "We hit it!"
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
Meet Walter Barnes
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them a$$holes."
There was an order of friars…
There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention his flower arrangements were very poor quality.
Sure enough, as soon as the friars opened their florist shop, they were busy beyond belief. So much so that the other florist in town noticed a considerable downturn in his business.
He went to the friars and tried to reason with them. "There's room for two florists in town, but you guys need to either raise your prices or lower your quality" he said. The Friars refused. After all what type of friars would they be if they resorted to those tactics?
Frustrated with the friars and knowing he would soon be going out of business the other florist decided he had to take matters into his own hands in order to survive. He reached out to Hugh the town bully. He explained that he didn't care what tactics Hugh used but at the end of the day he wanted the friars florist shop closed!
Hugh went to see the friars florist shop and started tearing the place up. When the friars tried to stop him Hugh worked them over as well until alas, the friars said , "ok, ok, we'll close our florist shop!"
The moral of the story? Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said,
"I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..?
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded"Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs"
The king agreed.
In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…
The guard was baffled…
But he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.
So when the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .
When he was thrown in,
everyone was amazed at what they saw..
The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister..licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…
The king realised his mistake
and
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles !!
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
How do you make a sport more manly?
Add a second ball.
"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." - Proverbs 27:17
Q: why do women have periods?
A: because they deserve them.
Trapped in the People's Communits Republic of Massachusetts.