Resurrecting the Joke Thread

Yakster

This account has pretty funny cartoons, with a live-action picture or video punchline in the last frame. Very creative and funny.

https://instagram.com/p/CP3PiwNpUku/embed/

IndustMech

^^ lmao

Yakster

https://instagram.com/p/CJgbghLp93f/embed/

Bob_Luken

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

0patience

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S BEEN VACCINATED?’ 😆😆😆

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’

CharlieHeis

Never mind

WaterNerd

Not sure if this one has been shared before or not...

Kim: Hi I'm Kim nice to meet you
Allan: Hi Kim I'm Allan but go by D i c k
Kim:... How do you get D i c k from Allan?
Allan: Ask Nicely

peter4jc

Please tell me your wife's name isn't Kim.

If her name is Kim, did the line work? Never mind, I've seen pics of your kids.

Yakster

peter4jc

peter4jc

peter4jc

TECH SUPPORT FOR NEWLYWEDS (and maybe some of the old pros too)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention, and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Pub, and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears. Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember — overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed, or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

—

Yakster

My Wife texted me: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No."

She texted back, "How about now?"

Yakster

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
6 cans of Spam

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Ms. Right. I looked at the 12 items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Yakster

peter4jc

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic difference in the parrot's behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Yakster

peter4jc

^^^ wrong thread, should be in the Camels On The Horizon discussion. ;-)

0patience

They say men have dirty minds.
Show a woman a caulking gun and ask her what it is used for. Then tell her to spell it.
Bet she doesn't spell it c a u l k.
😉

CommanderDuke_1

CharlieHeis

silvermouse

Q. What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered?

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A. Mount Everest.

Hobbes86

Why did the fish blush?
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Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

peter4jc

A dung beetle walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender "Is this stool taken?"

ShawnOL

Groan, groan and groan.

peter4jc

It's been a life-long favorite pastime of mine, telling groaners and watching people groan. So, thank you, Shawn.

webmost

@peter4jc you say you like groaners?

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a doctor's office. The doctor says I need to know Your blood type. The rabbit says "I am a typo".

peter4jc

Itsfine

That last bullet ^ earned my lol.

Itsfine

Three Sharks fans walked into a bar. The Golden Knights fan ducked so he wouldn't hit it.