Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
IF YOU MARRY A Texas GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
... and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror sobbing.
Her husband heard her and asks what's wrong now?
She says "my boobs sag, I have so many wrinkles, I'm getting fat, my hair is going so grey. Please say something positive about me.
He says, "your eyesight is perfect. "
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson
A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
What's the matter?
Oh, I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.
No problem - he says lifting her onto his back - I'll take you. He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
I'd really like to thank you, but I don't even know who you are.
He just waves and walks off.
I was really worried about you - says the old lady's husband. What have you been doing?
Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
My smog check guy asked me which vaccine I got. I answered that I got the Pfizer shot. He said that's great, because if they can raise the Dead with ****, then covid should be a piece of cake.
Join us on Zoom vHerf (Meeting # 2619860114 Password vHerf2020 )
Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my dogs and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm sporting a covid beard and look worse for wear, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost 25 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Join us on Zoom vHerf (Meeting # 2619860114 Password vHerf2020 )
Two generals were preparing for battle on their horses. The first general says to his aide, "Get my red tunic." The second general asks why. The first general says that if he is wounded and bleeds his men won't know and won't be afraid.
The second general says that's a great idea. He says to his aide, "Get my brown pants."
for the Swedes and Norwegians here, if there are any besides me:
Sven and Ole are roofing a house. Ole picks a nail out of the pan, examines it, and with a "nope" tosses it over his shoulder, picks up another one does the same thing, picks up a third and after examining it uses it to nail in the shingle. Sven seeing all of this exclaims, "Ole! what the hell are you doing, wasting nails like that?" Ole replies, "Well you see, those nails they're pointing towards the house, I can use them. But these nails... they're pointing away from the house, they're useless." "Ole you IDIOT!!" Sven replies, "those nails aren't something you just throw 'way willy nilly... those nails are for the other side of the house."
Back in my early 20's I was dating a 33 yr old gal who had a 13 yr. Old daughter.
Anyway we were at a party and everyone one was talking about the crazy things there kids have done.
I stated that the craziest thing her kid had done was ask me to pick up some condoms for her at the pharmacy.
Very shocked my girlfriend said WHAT?
So I told the whole story to her and all our friends.
I walked into the pharmacy up to the pharmacy counter the pharmacist said "can I help you sir?" and I said. "Yes", "I would like to buy some condoms for my girlfriends 13 yr. Old daughter" the pharmacist said "13 AND SHE'S SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!!" I laughed and said "**** No!!, she lays there just like her mother!"
When I dropped that punch line all of our friends where laughing laying on the floor partly from the crudeness of my joke and mostly from my girlfriends expression and her jaw laying on the floor!!😂😂😂😂
Back in my early 20's I was dating a 33 yr old gal who had a 13 yr. Old daughter.
Anyway we were at a party and everyone one was talking about the crazy things there kids have done.
I stated that the craziest thing her kid had done was ask me to pick up some condoms for her at the pharmacy.
Very shocked my girlfriend said WHAT?
So I told the whole story to her and all our friends.
I walked into the pharmacy up to the pharmacy counter the pharmacist said "can I help you sir?" and I said. "Yes", "I would like to buy some condoms for my girlfriends 13 yr. Old daughter" the pharmacist said "13 AND SHE'S SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!!" I laughed and said "**** No!!, she lays there just like her mother!"
When I dropped that punch line all of our friends where laughing laying on the floor partly from the crudeness of my joke and mostly from my girlfriends expression and her jaw laying on the floor!!😂😂😂😂
True Story: Bearswatter was a widow when I met her. Had a daughter 13. Had not been with my gal but a month or two before I convinced her that she'd better get her 13 year old daughter on The Pill. That discussion provoked both astonishment and her insistence she could control human nature in that sphere. I suppose it helped that the 15 year old was already surreptitiously on The Pill.
Delaying young sex is like fighting the tide. Go with it or drown.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
That sounds brutal. How 'bout we compromise and go with superglue?
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Comments
Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
IF YOU MARRY A Texas GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
... and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror sobbing.
Her husband heard her and asks what's wrong now?
She says "my boobs sag, I have so many wrinkles, I'm getting fat, my hair is going so grey. Please say something positive about me.
He says, "your eyesight is perfect. "
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson
from another forum:
A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
What's the matter?
Oh, I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.
No problem - he says lifting her onto his back - I'll take you. He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
I'd really like to thank you, but I don't even know who you are.
He just waves and walks off.
I was really worried about you - says the old lady's husband. What have you been doing?
Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
It felt good to be out of the reigns.
In the dessert, you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you Au Bon Pain.
We do need a groan button!
Laaaaaa laaaa la la la la lala la, laaa la.........
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson
from another forum:
My smog check guy asked me which vaccine I got. I answered that I got the Pfizer shot. He said that's great, because if they can raise the Dead with ****, then covid should be a piece of cake.
Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my dogs and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm sporting a covid beard and look worse for wear, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost 25 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Stealing that @Yakster 🤣😁
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
I stole it from the PSD forum and Americanized it.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Two generals were preparing for battle on their horses. The first general says to his aide, "Get my red tunic." The second general asks why. The first general says that if he is wounded and bleeds his men won't know and won't be afraid.
The second general says that's a great idea. He says to his aide, "Get my brown pants."
From PSD
5 Stages of Drinking
Is it time to check your smoke detectors? Remember, fire safety.
for the Swedes and Norwegians here, if there are any besides me:
Sven and Ole are roofing a house. Ole picks a nail out of the pan, examines it, and with a "nope" tosses it over his shoulder, picks up another one does the same thing, picks up a third and after examining it uses it to nail in the shingle. Sven seeing all of this exclaims, "Ole! what the hell are you doing, wasting nails like that?" Ole replies, "Well you see, those nails they're pointing towards the house, I can use them. But these nails... they're pointing away from the house, they're useless." "Ole you IDIOT!!" Sven replies, "those nails aren't something you just throw 'way willy nilly... those nails are for the other side of the house."
True story:
Back in my early 20's I was dating a 33 yr old gal who had a 13 yr. Old daughter.
Anyway we were at a party and everyone one was talking about the crazy things there kids have done.
I stated that the craziest thing her kid had done was ask me to pick up some condoms for her at the pharmacy.
Very shocked my girlfriend said WHAT?
So I told the whole story to her and all our friends.
I walked into the pharmacy up to the pharmacy counter the pharmacist said "can I help you sir?" and I said. "Yes", "I would like to buy some condoms for my girlfriends 13 yr. Old daughter" the pharmacist said "13 AND SHE'S SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!!" I laughed and said "**** No!!, she lays there just like her mother!"
When I dropped that punch line all of our friends where laughing laying on the floor partly from the crudeness of my joke and mostly from my girlfriends expression and her jaw laying on the floor!!😂😂😂😂
True Story: Bearswatter was a widow when I met her. Had a daughter 13. Had not been with my gal but a month or two before I convinced her that she'd better get her 13 year old daughter on The Pill. That discussion provoked both astonishment and her insistence she could control human nature in that sphere. I suppose it helped that the 15 year old was already surreptitiously on The Pill.
Delaying young sex is like fighting the tide. Go with it or drown.
Sew it up.
Trapped in the People's Communits Republic of Massachusetts.
That sounds brutal. How 'bout we compromise and go with superglue?
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain