A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new gorilla becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the Human-like gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.
Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming help, help. The lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear - Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.
Join us on Zoom vHerf (Meeting # 2619860114 Password vHerf2020 )
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4”
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, The Carolinas, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is doing the rounds
and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I
mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it;
then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you
are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a
throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I wull repurt my resaults letter.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
What hard work brings you….
A tear jerking success story…….on HARD WORK...
Every morning, the Executive Director & CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shiner gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the Executive Director:
What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Executive Director & CEO asks arrogantly in turn:
Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoe shiner says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
What your name? –Asks the Executive Director & CEO.
John Smith H.
The Executive Director & CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
Certainly – answers the Customer Service Manager – he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Executive Director & CEO comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:
I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a w h o r e in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
A bald man was sitting at the bar, alone, and minding his own business when a younger smarta$$ sat down beside him.
The smarta$$ looks up at the mans’s bald head then reaches up and strokes the guy’s shiny pate a couple times and says, “Wow. That feels just like my wife’s a$$”
The bald guy looks at the smarta$$, then reaches up, strokes his own head a time or two, and says, “By God, you’re right!....”. 😜😜
Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
IF YOU MARRY A Texas GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
... and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror sobbing.
Her husband heard her and asks what's wrong now?
She says "my boobs sag, I have so many wrinkles, I'm getting fat, my hair is going so grey. Please say something positive about me.
He says, "your eyesight is perfect. "
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson
Comments
Meanwhile, in Texas...
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new gorilla becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the Human-like gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.
Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming help, help. The lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear - Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4”
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, The Carolinas, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
I vote for "My Little Humidor."
Thanks @Rhamlin
COVID 19 TEST
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is doing the rounds
and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I
mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it;
then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you
are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a
throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I wull repurt my resaults letter.
Last night I performed the test first with a horn of Dragon's Milk followed by a some Balvenie Double Wood. I passed out the test.
Why is it called a Caesar Salad?
Cause Caesar ruled the romaines.
Another good one when she asks how it is just say
Well it’ll make a 💩.
Guaranteed to get a response 😂
What hard work brings you….
A tear jerking success story…….on HARD WORK...
Every morning, the Executive Director & CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shiner gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the Executive Director:
What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Executive Director & CEO asks arrogantly in turn:
Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoe shiner says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
What your name? –Asks the Executive Director & CEO.
John Smith H.
The Executive Director & CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
Certainly – answers the Customer Service Manager – he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Executive Director & CEO comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:
I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a w h o r e in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
A bald man was sitting at the bar, alone, and minding his own business when a younger smarta$$ sat down beside him.
The smarta$$ looks up at the mans’s bald head then reaches up and strokes the guy’s shiny pate a couple times and says, “Wow. That feels just like my wife’s a$$”
The bald guy looks at the smarta$$, then reaches up, strokes his own head a time or two, and says, “By God, you’re right!....”. 😜😜
Why do chickens not have ears?
Because they come from Tyson farm.
We do need a "Groan" button.
I don't get it. And, no, don't explain it; I'm having enough trouble with the implications of 'redneck bidet'.
Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
IF YOU MARRY A Texas GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
... and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror sobbing.
Her husband heard her and asks what's wrong now?
She says "my boobs sag, I have so many wrinkles, I'm getting fat, my hair is going so grey. Please say something positive about me.
He says, "your eyesight is perfect. "
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson