The reporter went to interview an old man in his 90s who had traveled and hunted big game. The old man started telling him a story about one hunt. "We were hunting a lion and we made our way slowly around to sneak up on the lion. As we rounded an outcropping, the lion jumped out and went "ROAR!" and I sh i t my pants. The reporter replied, I'd s hi t my pants too, if a lion jumped out at me.
No, the old man said, just now when I went ROAR, I sh i t my pants.
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?”
His reply was 96 years old.
She said, “Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up.”
She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor’s office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor’s office, started across the street, and was hit and killed.
She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, “What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96.”
His reply: “We’ll I just didn’t recognize you!”
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“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
From A Prairie Home Companion
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“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it
at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Jesus could walk on water and Chuck Norris can swim through land
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was." The cop begins to be suspicious and proceeds to search the car. Upon opening the trunk he exclaims, "Hey, you have a dead cat back here," to which Schrodinger replies "Well, now I do! Thanks."
A proton and a neutron were walking down the street. The proton says, "Stop, I dropped an electron. Help me look for it." The neutron asks, "Are you sure?" The proton replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
The Ocean - ALL you need to know. (Children writing about the ocean)
I like the octopus, it has eight testicles
Oysters balls are called pearls
If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. Of you don't have ocean all around you, you are incontinent
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend anymore.
A dolphin breathes through an a$$hole on the top of his head
My uncle goes out on his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
When you go swimming in the ocean it is very cold, and makes my willy small.
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water went right up her bigfatass.
The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
My Dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my Mom.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Once, there was this forum that was hosted by an online cigar retailer. They were a happy lot, those forum members, sharing their knowledge of tobacco and love of cigars in a most friendly way. Then, out of nowhere, came the forum boogeyman, turning things upside-down and helter-skelter. This joke has no punch line. It is lame.
As a guitarist, I enjoy playing my guitar. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play a song at graveside for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the burial was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played and sang 'Resurrection in the Last Day,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.”
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
"He didn't. I drank it
"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.
"He wouldn't even smell it.
"What could I do but drink it!
"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!"
Irish Confession:
"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
"When the priest came in, I said to him,'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'"
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs???
Comments
The old man started telling him a story about one hunt.
"We were hunting a lion and we made our way slowly around to sneak up on the lion. As we rounded an outcropping, the lion jumped out and went "ROAR!" and I sh i t my pants.
The reporter replied, I'd s hi t my pants too, if a lion jumped out at me.
No, the old man said, just now when I went ROAR, I sh i t my pants.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
FISHING FOR WHISKEY
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
From A Prairie Home Companion
@0patience
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
https://xkcd.com/2228/
https://xkcd.com/2180/
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
@RBeckom: complete the trade.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was." The cop begins to be suspicious and proceeds to search the car. Upon opening the trunk he exclaims, "Hey, you have a dead cat back here," to which Schrodinger replies "Well, now I do! Thanks."
A proton and a neutron were walking down the street. The proton says, "Stop, I dropped an electron. Help me look for it." The neutron asks, "Are you sure?" The proton replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A group of guys were playing a round of golf..
After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.
His friend asks him "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"
He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"
Of course his friend doesn't believe him and says "you don't have a magic genie!"
He responds with "yes I do! I'll prove it!,"
So he goes over to his golf bag and unzips a compartment and POOF! And suddenly a genie appears!
The genie tells his friend "to prove that I'm real, I'll give you one wish! Choose wisely!"
So his friends thinks about it and says "okay, I wish for a million bucks!"
Before you know it there are suddenly a whole bunch of ducks flying all around the golfers.
The guy then says to his friend "Oh, I forgot to mention that my genie is hard of hearing. Do you think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
The Ocean - ALL you need to know. (Children writing about the ocean)
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Once, there was this forum that was hosted by an online cigar retailer. They were a happy lot, those forum members, sharing their knowledge of tobacco and love of cigars in a most friendly way. Then, out of nowhere, came the forum boogeyman, turning things upside-down and helter-skelter. This joke has no punch line. It is lame.
probably been posted before:
As a guitarist, I enjoy playing my guitar. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play a song at graveside for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the burial was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played and sang 'Resurrection in the Last Day,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
From comedian Brad Williams
Quarantine sports
because we all missed St Patrick's Day:
An Irishman's first drink with his son:
"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
"He didn't. I drank it
"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.
"He wouldn't even smell it.
"What could I do but drink it!
"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!"
Irish Confession:
"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
"When the priest came in, I said to him,'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'"
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs???