Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league..." When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts torub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious,grabs her purse andstorms out of the club.
Vernfollows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bit ch this time.'
A YOUNG WOMAN HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN STUNNING POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.
IT'S A SCAM, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 5S AND SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!' The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
A man sits down with his wife on their 50th anniversary and tells her how much she means to him. He then asks her if she has ever been unfaithful.
She says only three times, but here was a good reason each time. He was a little hurt but he asked her when.
She said that when they were first married and now doing well, the bank threatened to foreclose on our home. I went to the bank president and we kept our home. He was hurt but understood. When was the second time?
Remember when you had your heart attack and needed surgery and we couldn't afford it? I went to the surgeon and you got your surgery. Still hurt, but he understood.
When was the last time? She says, remember when you wanted to be president of the yacht club and were short 35 votes?
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
I went to the club last night. The played "The Twist, and I did the twist. They played "Jump Around", and I jumped around. They played "Come on Eileen"...
I got banned from the club last night...
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
A zoo back in Chicago was experiencing declining attendance and decided they needed a really big attraction to boost revenue so they hired a couple big-time game hunters and sent them to Africa to trap a huge, male gorilla. These guys were told "never mind the expense, just don't come back until you've got a really huge, ferocious-looking male gorilla".
So, for eight or ten months these guys were out in the African bush, trapping and releasing gorillas because they were all too small. They haven't seen a woman in all that time and they're getting kinda horn y so they decided between them that the next time they found a young female gorilla in one of their traps they'd give her a try.
Sure enough, one morning they came upon a trap with a young female gorilla in it. They tranquilized her and got her staked out on the ground, spread-eagle fashion. Then they flipped a coin to see who would go first.
Well, one guy won the toss (or lost, depending on how you look at it) so he started to drop his pants but then said, "No. I can't do it. She's just too damned ugly". The other guy said, "Wait. I can fix that" so he went and got a bucket and slipped it over her head.
So the first guy guy went ahead and mounted her. After a few strokes, she's getting to where she kinda likes it and starts squirming and wiggling around and managed to get one leg loose. She hooked it up around the guys butt and started helping him do the pumping.
The guy yells, "Take it off, take it off" so his buddy grabs the leg and starts tugging on it. The first guy says, "No, no, the bucket. I want to kiss her.
How come when you call customer service and it says to "press 1 for English", the person who comes on the phone never speaks English? And why the hell is the volume always barely audible?
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
How come when you call customer service and it says to "press 1 for English", the person who comes on the phone never speaks English? And why the hell is the volume always barely audible?
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Comments
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
BBQ & Beer Cooler
Engineering at its Best
When you are finished Barbecuing, and the ice has melted,
just pull the handle down & the fire goes out.
Then you clean up the debris.
Is this a great country, or what?
POOR MISUNDERSTOOD VERNON
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU FRIEND ON FB.
A YOUNG WOMAN HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN STUNNING POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.
IT'S A SCAM, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 5S AND SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square.
I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.
He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish
She says only three times, but here was a good reason each time. He was a little hurt but he asked her when.
She said that when they were first married and now doing well, the bank threatened to foreclose on our home. I went to the bank president and we kept our home. He was hurt but understood. When was the second time?
Remember when you had your heart attack and needed surgery and we couldn't afford it? I went to the surgeon and you got your surgery. Still hurt, but he understood.
When was the last time? She says, remember when you wanted to be president of the yacht club and were short 35 votes?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
I got banned from the club last night...
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aZgW3X3_460sv.mp4
(Milennial style?).
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
So, for eight or ten months these guys were out in the African bush, trapping and releasing gorillas because they were all too small. They haven't seen a woman in all that time and they're getting kinda horn y so they decided between them that the next time they found a young female gorilla in one of their traps they'd give her a try.
Sure enough, one morning they came upon a trap with a young female gorilla in it. They tranquilized her and got her staked out on the ground, spread-eagle fashion. Then they flipped a coin to see who would go first.
Well, one guy won the toss (or lost, depending on how you look at it) so he started to drop his pants but then said, "No. I can't do it. She's just too damned ugly". The other guy said, "Wait. I can fix that" so he went and got a bucket and slipped it over her head.
So the first guy guy went ahead and mounted her. After a few strokes, she's getting to where she kinda likes it and starts squirming and wiggling around and managed to get one leg loose. She hooked it up around the guys butt and started helping him do the pumping.
The guy yells, "Take it off, take it off" so his buddy grabs the leg and starts tugging on it. The first guy says, "No, no, the bucket. I want to kiss her.
And why the hell is the volume always barely audible?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
The bigger question is why is there a choice.
Alphabet Wife