The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. It's free for Kindle and an amazing, hilarious, and truthful book - for those who, in the author's words, "In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressedenlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang"
Some excerpts:
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
ACCORD, n. Harmony.
ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.
"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."
Jebel Jocordy
AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
ALLEGIANCE, n.
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
ALONE, adj. In bad company.
AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
its our 4 yr anniversary today (nearing 11 years total if you include our dating years)and I'm a better man for having her in my life.
Congrats!
Thanks man, I appreciate it, now I just need to get the heck out of work and get home to her.
I know that feelin all too well man. lol it'll just make it that much better when you get home and get to celebrate your anniversary!
I know huh, work is a drag but its way better than the alternative and for me it pays the bills while I keep reach for my ultimate goal. Baby steps.
And yeah dude, I too was a huge comic nerd growing up, sold the ones I didn't read anymore but kept the core lines and still read them when I need a fix. So I picked him up the hat the morning of his first birthday party about 8 months back. he wailed everytime we put it on him until one day about 2 months back he saw me in a baseball cap and kept saying "HAT" and pointing at mine, so we tried it again, and wouldn't take the thing off. Been a hat kid ever since.
its our 4 yr anniversary today (nearing 11 years total if you include our dating years)and I'm a better man for having her in my life.
Congrats!
Thanks man, I appreciate it, now I just need to get the heck out of work and get home to her.
I know that feelin all too well man. lol it'll just make it that much better when you get home and get to celebrate your anniversary!
I know huh, work is a drag but its way better than the alternative and for me it pays the bills while I keep reach for my ultimate goal. Baby steps.
And yeah dude, I too was a huge comic nerd growing up, sold the ones I didn't read anymore but kept the core lines and still read them when I need a fix. So I picked him up the hat the morning of his first birthday party about 8 months back. he wailed everytime we put it on him until one day about 2 months back he saw me in a baseball cap and kept saying "HAT" and pointing at mine, so we tried it again, and wouldn't take the thing off. Been a hat kid ever since.
Exactly! That's the only reason I put up with the stuff at work that I do. It's better than losing everything I've worked so hard for lol
Civil Servants. During our recent trip, while staying in Cookeville TN, we ended up interacting with the Fire Dept., Police, and EMS. Our first afternoon at the Hotel I thought; "Mmm, a pre-dinner Partagas would be nice, & lit one up, right under the smoke detector (duh) and was soon greeted by the local fire dept, who were very professional and helpful. That night, an after dinner cigar produced no problems, but, next morning I opened a window and about half-way through a Gran Habano; beep-beep-beep, a different crew arrived. Hotel maintenance determined a faulty head, changed the detector.
I already mentioned the bike accident on Things I Hate, but didn't mention how rapidly the Police and EMS arrived, who were also very professional and helpful. So, to all those who serve the public, I thank you for what you do! You are appreciated.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
Comments
after 5 years of being together, it just keeps getting better.
Some excerpts:
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
ACCORD, n. Harmony.
ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.
"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."
Jebel Jocordy
AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
ALLEGIANCE, n.
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
ALONE, adj. In bad company.
AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Got it in the robusto. Trust me boys, get some now - run, dont walk...
Why are you still reading??? Git! :-)
its our 4 yr anniversary today (nearing 11 years total if you include our dating years)and I'm a better man for having her in my life.
And yeah dude, I too was a huge comic nerd growing up, sold the ones I didn't read anymore but kept the core lines and still read them when I need a fix. So I picked him up the hat the morning of his first birthday party about 8 months back. he wailed everytime we put it on him until one day about 2 months back he saw me in a baseball cap and kept saying "HAT" and pointing at mine, so we tried it again, and wouldn't take the thing off. Been a hat kid ever since.
I already mentioned the bike accident on Things I Hate, but didn't mention how rapidly the Police and EMS arrived, who were also very professional and helpful. So, to all those who serve the public, I thank you for what you do! You are appreciated.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
I'm going to have to get the system this weekends just to play those games again.