Resurrecting the Joke Thread
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Little Johnny’s dad was watching him play in the yard. Suddenly little Johnny kills a honeybee.
“No honey for one month Johnny!”, his dad exclaimed.
A little later Johnny’s dad watches him rip the wings off of a butterfly. “Johnny, no butter for one month” his dad said.
Later that evening little Johnny and his dad walk into the kitchen. A cockroach runs across the floor and Johnny’s mom smashes it as she screams.
Little Johnny look up at Dad and says, “do you want to tell her or should I ?”.If it don’t bother me, it don’t bother me. Just leave me alone.
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Made me think of "Turn it around..."
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saheeb."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.
The wife yelled what the hell is going on!
The Indian then began screaming.... YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis9 -
A new commercial is popping up on TV -
"Bud light. This butts for you."
Lmfao..
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis5 -
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis7 -
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf, I’ve never played golf, I guess I’m winning.
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@silvermouse said:
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf, I’ve never played golf, I guess I’m winning.Mitch Hedberg? If not it sounds like him and I reread it in his voice.
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Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an older woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those older women! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of older women! Be very afraid!
They have been there and done that!
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Oh geeze...
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST-CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.""I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis9 -
It's less funny when you yell.
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
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"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis9 -
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis8 -
Post edited by peter4jc on"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis6 -
A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a 'nut case' on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, and got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing 🤣"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis8 -
^^^ This explains everything.
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis1 -
Back to the future, cat.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain0 -
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking.""I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis11 -
The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
- If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
- Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
- Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
- Wherever you go, there you are.. Your luggage is another story.
- Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
- There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
- Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.
- The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
- Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out... Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
- Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
- Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
- Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
- The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself..
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
John Congdon
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I am the Troll Jesus. Follow me, my children, or clutch your pearls tightly.
@ScotchnSmoke still sux lots of large wéiners. And tons of small ones.6
