A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 🤣
A priest rises early one morning to find four nuns lined up at the confessional. He greets them and asks how their recent trip to the city was. They all sheepishly bowed their heads and didn’t respond. Getting the hint he gathered himself and prepared to take confession.
The first nun entered and said “Forgive me father for I have sinned. On my recent trip to the city I gave into lúst and touched a man’s private parts with my hand”. He finished listening and as they stepped out he told her “do ten Hail Mary and wash your hand in that holy water”.
The second stepped inside and said “forgive me father for I have sinned. On my trip to the city I gave into lúst and touched a man’s private parts with both hands”. He again finished listening and as they stepped out he told her “ do ten Hail Mary and wash both of your hands in that holy water”.
He looked at the remaining two and asked “who is next?”.
One nun looked at the other and asked “do you mind if I go before you? I don’t want to have to gargle that water after you’ve washed your ass in it”.
If it don’t bother me, it don’t bother me. Just leave me alone.
Satan tells Trump that he definitely belongs in hell, but hell is full so he will need to release someone and Trump will have to take that person's place. But Satan tells Trump he will let Trump decide whose place he will take. Satan gives Trump three options and brings him to three doors..
Behind door one is Barack Obama who is repeatedly diving off a diving board into a pool over and over again. Trump watches for awhile, and tells Satan that this isn't for him..
Satan then brings Trump to door two where he sees George W Bush breaking rocks with a sledge hammer. As soon as he breaks one rock a new one pops up to take its place. This repeats indefinitely. Trump declines this option as well..
Satan then brings Trump to door three.
Behind door three he sees Bill Clinton chained a bed where Monica Lewinsky is doing Monica Lewinsky things over and over again..
Trump tells Satan that he will choose option three.
Satan calls out into the room
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Comments
A good cigar and the open road solve most problems.
Four engineers get into a car but the car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says, "It's a broken starter."
The Electrical engineer says, "It's a dead battery."
The Chemical engineer says, "There must be impurities in the gasoline."
The IT engineer says, "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in?"
Cigars are great and so is this
Pure gold...
https://youtu.be/7GfWXN5Lp1s?si=9pVUjO4XZ7z-rixh
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 🤣
A priest rises early one morning to find four nuns lined up at the confessional. He greets them and asks how their recent trip to the city was. They all sheepishly bowed their heads and didn’t respond. Getting the hint he gathered himself and prepared to take confession.
The first nun entered and said “Forgive me father for I have sinned. On my recent trip to the city I gave into lúst and touched a man’s private parts with my hand”. He finished listening and as they stepped out he told her “do ten Hail Mary and wash your hand in that holy water”.
The second stepped inside and said “forgive me father for I have sinned. On my trip to the city I gave into lúst and touched a man’s private parts with both hands”. He again finished listening and as they stepped out he told her “ do ten Hail Mary and wash both of your hands in that holy water”.
He looked at the remaining two and asked “who is next?”.
One nun looked at the other and asked “do you mind if I go before you? I don’t want to have to gargle that water after you’ve washed your ass in it”.
If it don’t bother me, it don’t bother me. Just leave me alone.
As a child, my family was very poor. If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
A good cigar and the open road solve most problems.
"...and I buried her with her favorite possession in the whole world, that red Dirt Devil."
The other day someone explained to me what c-o-c-k fighting really was.
I'm upset...that’s six months of training I’ll never get back.
That golf joke is one of my all time favorites
What is the German word for bra????
Stoppemfrumfloppin 😂😂😂
A good cigar and the open road solve most problems.
I'm saving this one for the next time Karen gets on vHerf.
I thought it was keptsumfrömsäghen
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was glad he ate her.
@Stubble the apple joke
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DCWkf27OAW2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
What’s the difference between driving in the fog and eating Beaver?
At least when eating Beaver, you can see the a$$hole in front of you. 😂😂😂
A good cigar and the open road solve most problems.
A lady goes to see her priest;
L: Father, my dog just died. Can you help with the burial service?
P: I'm afraid not. You could try the Episcopal church down the street. They do those sorts of things.
L: Oh, thank you, Father! Are they expensive? Do you think $1000 will cover it?
F: My dear daughter, you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!
The next time somebody pisses you off, tell them to F. O. C. U. S.
Ph^ck off cause u stupid!
A good cigar and the open road solve most problems.
Have to share this with my mother, an 88 yr old nun. She will love it.
How many MAGA does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero.
Trump will claim to have replaced the bulb with the brightest bulb anyone has ever seen.
Meanwhile MAGA will cheer for the good job Trump has done while blaming democrats for why they’re standing around in the dark….
Trump dies and goes to hell.
Satan tells Trump that he definitely belongs in hell, but hell is full so he will need to release someone and Trump will have to take that person's place. But Satan tells Trump he will let Trump decide whose place he will take. Satan gives Trump three options and brings him to three doors..
Behind door one is Barack Obama who is repeatedly diving off a diving board into a pool over and over again. Trump watches for awhile, and tells Satan that this isn't for him..
Satan then brings Trump to door two where he sees George W Bush breaking rocks with a sledge hammer. As soon as he breaks one rock a new one pops up to take its place. This repeats indefinitely. Trump declines this option as well..
Satan then brings Trump to door three.
Behind door three he sees Bill Clinton chained a bed where Monica Lewinsky is doing Monica Lewinsky things over and over again..
Trump tells Satan that he will choose option three.
Satan calls out into the room
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Ok Monica you're free to go....
Is that a cigar joke?
Trump, an immigrant and a factory worker meet at a bakery..
They order 10 cookies.
Trump takes 9 of the cookies and leaves before the bill is paid.
As he reaches the door he turns to the factory worker and says.
“You better watch out, that immigrant is going to take your cookie”……
Welcome to America.