Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Comments
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from another forum:
A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
What's the matter?
Oh, I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.
No problem - he says lifting her onto his back - I'll take you. He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
I'd really like to thank you, but I don't even know who you are.
He just waves and walks off.
I was really worried about you - says the old lady's husband. What have you been doing?
Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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It felt good to be out of the reigns.
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis1 -
We do need a groan button!
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Laaaaaa laaaa la la la la lala la, laaa la.........
F**k You I'm drunk.....
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just how I am,"-Homer Simpson0 -
from another forum:
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my dogs and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm sporting a covid beard and look worse for wear, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost 25 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
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"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis10 -
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis2 -
Two generals were preparing for battle on their horses. The first general says to his aide, "Get my red tunic." The second general asks why. The first general says that if he is wounded and bleeds his men won't know and won't be afraid.
The second general says that's a great idea. He says to his aide, "Get my brown pants."
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"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis4 -
@peter4jc said:
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Is it time to check your smoke detectors? Remember, fire safety.
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for the Swedes and Norwegians here, if there are any besides me:
Sven and Ole are roofing a house. Ole picks a nail out of the pan, examines it, and with a "nope" tosses it over his shoulder, picks up another one does the same thing, picks up a third and after examining it uses it to nail in the shingle. Sven seeing all of this exclaims, "Ole! what the hell are you doing, wasting nails like that?" Ole replies, "Well you see, those nails they're pointing towards the house, I can use them. But these nails... they're pointing away from the house, they're useless." "Ole you IDIOT!!" Sven replies, "those nails aren't something you just throw 'way willy nilly... those nails are for the other side of the house."
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"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis12 -
True story:
Back in my early 20's I was dating a 33 yr old gal who had a 13 yr. Old daughter.
Anyway we were at a party and everyone one was talking about the crazy things there kids have done.
I stated that the craziest thing her kid had done was ask me to pick up some condoms for her at the pharmacy.
Very shocked my girlfriend said WHAT?
So I told the whole story to her and all our friends.
I walked into the pharmacy up to the pharmacy counter the pharmacist said "can I help you sir?" and I said. "Yes", "I would like to buy some condoms for my girlfriends 13 yr. Old daughter" the pharmacist said "13 AND SHE'S SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!!" I laughed and said "**** No!!, she lays there just like her mother!"
When I dropped that punch line all of our friends where laughing laying on the floor partly from the crudeness of my joke and mostly from my girlfriends expression and her jaw laying on the floor!!😂😂😂😂
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@CommanderDuke1_ said:
True story:Back in my early 20's I was dating a 33 yr old gal who had a 13 yr. Old daughter.
Anyway we were at a party and everyone one was talking about the crazy things there kids have done.
I stated that the craziest thing her kid had done was ask me to pick up some condoms for her at the pharmacy.
Very shocked my girlfriend said WHAT?
So I told the whole story to her and all our friends.
I walked into the pharmacy up to the pharmacy counter the pharmacist said "can I help you sir?" and I said. "Yes", "I would like to buy some condoms for my girlfriends 13 yr. Old daughter" the pharmacist said "13 AND SHE'S SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!!" I laughed and said "**** No!!, she lays there just like her mother!"
When I dropped that punch line all of our friends where laughing laying on the floor partly from the crudeness of my joke and mostly from my girlfriends expression and her jaw laying on the floor!!😂😂😂😂
True Story: Bearswatter was a widow when I met her. Had a daughter 13. Had not been with my gal but a month or two before I convinced her that she'd better get her 13 year old daughter on The Pill. That discussion provoked both astonishment and her insistence she could control human nature in that sphere. I suppose it helped that the 15 year old was already surreptitiously on The Pill.
Delaying young sex is like fighting the tide. Go with it or drown.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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Sew it up.
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
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@ShawnOL said:
Sew it up.That sounds brutal. How 'bout we compromise and go with superglue?
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain0 -
Gorilla glue.
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
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There are times that auto correct changes a harmless text into one that doesn't go well.
Text was about some repairs, helping another tech.
It was supposed to say,Cut the wrapping back, to expose it, then insert it into the a slot and make sure it's tight. Give it a tug, to make sure it won't pop out.
Not terrible.
Here is what it sent.Pull the wrapper back, to expose you all, then insert it into the s-l-u-t to make sue tight. Give her a tug and make sure your not popped out.
Reply:
Say what??**Can't even do a stupid joke on here, cause the censor thing. **
In Fumo Pax
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.Wylaff said:Atmospheric pressure and crap.4
https://youtu.be/-gBIwBE9-vo
https://youtu.be/Oh9pkb6UCZE
