Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Comments
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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. When he got home, his wife asked, "Well? How is she doing?"
He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."
"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"
And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis7 -
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
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A man finally drummed up enough courage to go visit the local whorehouse. You see, he was self-conscious of his body. When he was young he contracted a few diseases that left him disfigured on certain areas of his body. So he goes in and tells the madam about his condition. She says, don’t worry I have just the right girl for you. So the man goes into the room and meets his lady of the evening. Hesitantly, again tells his story, which she replies, no worries I’ve seen everything. I’m OK with it. So he begins taking his shoes and socks off and the woman exclaims, Oh my what happened to your toes? The man replies, oh don’t worry when I was young I had “Toe-lio”. So he continues undressing and takes off his pants. Again, she exclaims oh my, what happened to your knees? The man replies, oh don’t worry when I was young I had “knee-sles”. So the man continued to take his underwear off. Again the woman exclaims oh my, wait don’t tell me, when you were young you had “small-****”.
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Ted goes to see his priest.
He says, "Father, I'm really embarrassed. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. What do I do?"
The priest thinks for a moment, then gives him a hairpin.
"Take this and come back next Sunday. If she nods off, I'll give you a signal, and you give her a light jab and wake her up."
So the following week they go to church, the sermon begins, and within ten minutes Ted's wife is nodding off. The priest notices and says;
"And who made the supreme sacrifice for you?" while nodding at Ted. Ted jabs his wife with the hairpin, and she wakes up with a yelp of "JESUS!"
"That's right!"
The sermon continues, and Ted's wife starts nodding off again. The priest notices and says;
"And who is your ultimate redeemer?" while nodding at Ted. He gives his wife another jab and she wakes up yelling "GOD!"
"That's right!"
The sermon continues, and Ted's wife nods off again. The priest starts getting into it nd thrashing wildly on the pulpit, and Ted misunderstands the signal and gives his wife a hefty jab after the priest says:
"And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore their 9th child?"
Ted's wife turns around and yells:
"IF YOU STICK THAT **** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"
"IF YOU STICK THAT **** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis4
