Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Comments
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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. When he got home, his wife asked, "Well? How is she doing?"
He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."
"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"
And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis7 -
Trapped in the People's Communist Republic of Massachusetts.
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A man finally drummed up enough courage to go visit the local whorehouse. You see, he was self-conscious of his body. When he was young he contracted a few diseases that left him disfigured on certain areas of his body. So he goes in and tells the madam about his condition. She says, don’t worry I have just the right girl for you. So the man goes into the room and meets his lady of the evening. Hesitantly, again tells his story, which she replies, no worries I’ve seen everything. I’m OK with it. So he begins taking his shoes and socks off and the woman exclaims, Oh my what happened to your toes? The man replies, oh don’t worry when I was young I had “Toe-lio”. So he continues undressing and takes off his pants. Again, she exclaims oh my, what happened to your knees? The man replies, oh don’t worry when I was young I had “knee-sles”. So the man continued to take his underwear off. Again the woman exclaims oh my, wait don’t tell me, when you were young you had “small-****”.
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Ted goes to see his priest.
He says, "Father, I'm really embarrassed. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. What do I do?"
The priest thinks for a moment, then gives him a hairpin.
"Take this and come back next Sunday. If she nods off, I'll give you a signal, and you give her a light jab and wake her up."
So the following week they go to church, the sermon begins, and within ten minutes Ted's wife is nodding off. The priest notices and says;
"And who made the supreme sacrifice for you?" while nodding at Ted. Ted jabs his wife with the hairpin, and she wakes up with a yelp of "JESUS!"
"That's right!"
The sermon continues, and Ted's wife starts nodding off again. The priest notices and says;
"And who is your ultimate redeemer?" while nodding at Ted. He gives his wife another jab and she wakes up yelling "GOD!"
"That's right!"
The sermon continues, and Ted's wife nods off again. The priest starts getting into it nd thrashing wildly on the pulpit, and Ted misunderstands the signal and gives his wife a hefty jab after the priest says:
"And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore their 9th child?"
Ted's wife turns around and yells:
"IF YOU STICK THAT **** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"
"IF YOU STICK THAT **** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis5 -
Claude has been out of work for a while. When he sees a job offering for a Lion Tamer saying "No Experience Required" he jumps at it.
He arrives at the small office, and he quickly realizes he's the only applicant.
Claude asks, "How am I gonna be a lion tamer? I'm afraid of cats!"
The Ringmaster said, "Listen, it's mostly theater; you just have to learn the moves. In case anything happens, you have the whip and the chair. If they start to get aggressive, you can use the whip and the chair to remind them who's boss."
"What if that doesn't work?"
The Ringmaster came back with, "In the rare event that happens, reach into your pants, pull out some of the poop that's in there, and rub it in his eyes."
There was a long pause, and as Claude asked, "How can you be sure it'll be in there?"
"Trust me, it'll be there"
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis4 -
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work.
Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc.
I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.
If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.
Norm Macdonald
I don't have problems, just more work to do.
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Do you know why the barber won the race?
Because he knew a shortcut.
I don't have problems, just more work to do.
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