Resurrecting the Joke Thread

What does it mean when your wife comes out to the garage to yell at you?

You made the chain too long...

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, she can clean in the dark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjf-_Yy3nCc

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, Man, "These Taser guns are well worth the money"

slickric:

The Kid:

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, Man, "These Taser guns are well worth the money"

freaking hilariouse

+1

With summer time and beach weather approaching....I thought this was appropriate.....

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

Ted comes home from work one evening with a huge grin on his face. His wife asked why he was so happy.
"I've just won on the lotto, if you have to know," he replied.
His wife immediately looks at him and says, "Good! I'm going to take half of your winnings and leave you!"
Ted grins, reaches into his pocket and pulls out $2.
"Here," he says. "Now, shag off."

ScottTDawg:

Can anyone relate to this?

Everyday for the past 11 yrs...

stephen_hannibal:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

If you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart
If you're not a conservative at 40 you have no brain

Winston Churchill

couldn't find the daily quote thread. LOL

Some of y'all might have seen this one, but it had me rolling:
HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Motorcycle won't start... Can't figure out why.

Beernfritos:

Some of y'all might have seen this one, but it had me rolling:
HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Motorcycle won't start... Can't figure out why.

Hilarious!!!

I had to stop jogging because of my health . My thighs kept rubbing together and catching my underwear on fire !

Hey, where can a guy find a legless woman nowadays?


Right where you left her.
I know, I'm going to Hell...