Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines
I saw the brother perform 3 times out here in Cali. I miss his jokes. "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*cked up"
"It's plume, bro. Nothing to worry about. Got any Opus?" The suppose to be DZR
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!
A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 things I know about you........
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You are smiling and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there was a No. 5
9. You laugh at this, because you're an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. Your probably gonna send this to someone else to see if they fall for it.
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.
He looked at his dented car
and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines
I saw the brother perform 3 times out here in Cali. I miss his jokes. "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*cked up"
That man was very funny. One of my favorite stand up comics.
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines
I saw the brother perform 3 times out here in Cali. I miss his jokes. "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*cked up"
That man was very funny. One of my favorite stand up comics.
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think your cocky" - Mitch Hedberg
"It's plume, bro. Nothing to worry about. Got any Opus?" The suppose to be DZR
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said: "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said: "Ok, but don't go in that field over there...."
The DEA officer cut me off and exploded saying: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his pants' pocket, the arrogant officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face saying: "See this f***ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?...Do you understand?!!"
I nodded, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I hear loud screams coming from the field. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big, old, mean bull....
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, it seemed likely he'd be gored before reaching safety. The officer looked terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge, show him your f***ing badge!!"
(I can't take credit for this one, I saw it floating around my facebook)
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 things I know about you........
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You are smiling and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there was a No. 5
9. You laugh at this, because you're an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. Your probably gonna send this to someone else to see if they fall for it.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
White minorities trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran: physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for help after invaded by Jamaica.
No other country steps forward to help.
Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally. But President Chelsea Clinton bans all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
Postal Service raises first class stamp to $17.89, reduces delivery to Wednesdays.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists create a camera with a shutter fast enought to photograph a politician her their mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .
Senate still blocks drilling in ANWR
gas at 4532 Pesos per liter
gas stations only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers to be registered by January 2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..
Floruba voters have trouble with voting machines.
cigar.com forum last to require bbcode
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
The Resurrection
The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took 10 minutes before the pastor could speak.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
White minorities trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran: physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for help after invaded by Jamaica.
No other country steps forward to help.
Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally. But President Chelsea Clinton bans all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
Postal Service raises first class stamp to $17.89, reduces delivery to Wednesdays.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists create a camera with a shutter fast enought to photograph a politician her their mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .
Senate still blocks drilling in ANWR
gas at 4532 Pesos per liter
gas stations only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers to be registered by January 2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..
Floruba voters have trouble with voting machines.
cigar.com forum last to require bbcode
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Comments
A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 things I know about you........
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You are smiling and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there was a No. 5
9. You laugh at this, because you're an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. Your probably gonna send this to someone else to see if they fall for it.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
I said: "Ok, but don't go in that field over there...."
The DEA officer cut me off and exploded saying: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his pants' pocket, the arrogant officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face saying: "See this f***ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?...Do you understand?!!"
I nodded, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I hear loud screams coming from the field. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big, old, mean bull....
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, it seemed likely he'd be gored before reaching safety. The officer looked terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge, show him your f***ing badge!!"
(I can't take credit for this one, I saw it floating around my facebook)
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
White minorities trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran: physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for help after invaded by Jamaica. No other country steps forward to help.
Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally. But President Chelsea Clinton bans all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
Postal Service raises first class stamp to $17.89, reduces delivery to Wednesdays.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists create a camera with a shutter fast enought to photograph a politician her their mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .
Senate still blocks drilling in ANWR gas at 4532 Pesos per liter gas stations only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers to be registered by January 2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..
Floruba voters have trouble with voting machines.
cigar.com forum last to require bbcode
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
video
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
The dog of course! Because at least he will shut up when you let him in!
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Historically, this wasn't the case.
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Ooooh. Don't give up your day job....:-)