I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
A couple of nights ago, I was out
for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some
rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident,
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got it.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
A couple of nights ago, I was out
for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some
rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident,
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got it.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
A couple of nights ago, I was out
for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some
rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident,
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got it.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
hahaha good one.
I got one that's following that same theme.
I was stopped by police around 3 AM the other night and they asked where I was going at that time of night.
I told the officer, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks me "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
After having a few too many at a party, I headed for home. Had no trouble going down the freeway and even found the right off-ramp. At the bottom of the ramp, I made the turn okay and found my street a few blocks later. Turned down my street, doing fine, and was just turning into my driveway when some damned fool stepped on my fingers......
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. F.uckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
"It's plume, bro. Nothing to worry about. Got any Opus?" The suppose to be DZR
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines
Another thread today reminded me of one of my favs, Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg. One of my favs as well. Notice my signature
Hell yes! RIP indeed to the king of the one-liners. JJ posted a thread with a video about govt employees on a broken elevator (at the bottom of this page or maybe on page 2 now) which made me think of Mitch's broken elevator bit, which in turn brought back memories of all his great lines
I saw the brother perform 3 times out here in Cali. I miss his jokes. "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*cked up"
"It's plume, bro. Nothing to worry about. Got any Opus?" The suppose to be DZR
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!
A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 things I know about you........
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You are smiling and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there was a No. 5
9. You laugh at this, because you're an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. Your probably gonna send this to someone else to see if they fall for it.
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.
He looked at his dented car
and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Comments
20% said they were too fat .
10% said they were too thin .
70% said they would marry them all over again LOL !!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I got one that's following that same theme.
I was stopped by police around 3 AM the other night and they asked where I was going at that time of night.
I told the officer, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks me "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I told him "That would be my wife."
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Why do women have legs?
Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes?
Relative humidity. ...too much :-)
One brother turns to the other and says ... "Does this taste funny to you?"
I know, I know. Pretty bad, right?........
blue
Please tell me you aren't confused right now.
Very pleasing!
What do West Virginia girls and bears have in common?
They both lick their paws!
How do you know the "toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?
If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "teethbrush."
I was born and raised in Virginia so I have tons of these!
(love the oatmeal comics too btw)
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
enjoy
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
I forgot.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. F.uckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 things I know about you........
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You are smiling and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there was a No. 5
9. You laugh at this, because you're an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. Your probably gonna send this to someone else to see if they fall for it.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.