Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Comments
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A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He limps the car along to the nearest town and stops at the first service station he can find.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
“There’ll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ’em but all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em.” -Kevin Welch1 -
Drake is a joke. A degrassi actor turned rapper. How can anyone take him seriously?
To make it worse he's Canadian.1 -
I don't get it. Is the joke that you're in the "joke thread" but not telling a joke? ;-)brodskales said:Drake is a joke. A degrassi actor turned rapper. How can anyone take him seriously?
To make it worse he's Canadian.
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis2 -
Pancho was sitting alongside the road one day when Pedro came strolling by holding something in his cupped hands.Pancho says, "Hey, Pedro. What you got in your hands?"Pedro peeks into his hands and says, "I got a butterfly."Pancho says, "What you gonna do with that butterfly, Pedro?"Pedro says, "I gonna go get me some butter."Pancho says, "Aw, Don' be silly. You can't get no butter with that."After a while Pedro came back by with a pound of butter in his hand.A little later, here comes Pedro again, holding something in his cupped hands.Pancho says, "Hey, Pedro. What you got in your hands this time?"Pedro sneaks a peek and says, "I got me a horsefly".Pancho says, what you gonna do with that horsefly, Pedro?"Pedro says, "I gonna go get me a horse."Pancho says, "Aw, Don' be silly, man. You can't get no horse with that."Pretty soon, here comes Pedro leading a good looking horse behind him.After a while, here comes Pedro again, with something in his cupped hands.Pancho says, "Hey, Pedro, what you got in your hands this time?"Pedro says,"I got me a pussywillow."Pancho says, "Hey, wait a minute, man, I go weeth you..."1
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A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.2 -
Did you hear the one about a gynecologist losing his hearing. Now he has to read lips!1
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Too true to be funny.“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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A private Leer jet arrives at LaGuardia international
> airport and Donald Trump strides to his limousine which
> drives him to a reception with Hillary Clinton.
>
> From there, they are driven in a black Mercedes to the
> edge of New York where they change to a magnificent 17th
> century carriage hitched to six white horses.
>
> They continue on towards The Clinton Mansion while
> enjoying a little champagne, all is going well. Suddenly,
> the right rear horse lets go with the most horrendous and
> earth-shattering fart ever heard in New York.
>
> The fart shakes the coach a little. The smell is
> atrocious! Hillary and The Donald must use handkerchiefs
> over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the
> incident.
>
> Hillary turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please
> accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some
> things that even I cannot control."
>
>
> Trump, with his usual political correctness, replied,
> "Hillary, don't give the matter another thought.
> Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the
> horses."2 -
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon and fine cigar every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis3 -
SORRY, BUT I NEVER DO THIS HOWEVER I NEED TO VENT!!!!!!So I went to Target to get some stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?!
I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my Son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like Really?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves.
The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What the heck?!!!" She said, "Your mom told me you were paying for her items along with your things. I told her "that woman is most definitely NOT my mom". She said, "well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like, OMG!!!...
I flew out of the store looking for this witch, ready to give her a piece of my mind. I see her quickly loading up her car! She sees me and quickly jumps in her car. I grabbed her just as she was putting her last leg in, as I pulled her leg, her wooden leg came off!!! Soooo I grabbed her other leg and started pulling!! just like I'm pulling yours right now! Hahaha...
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis2 -
Why was the tomato blushing?
because it saw the salad dressing
Team O'Donnell FTW!1 -
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his final front-ear
Ok, I just wanted to bump the thread
Team O'Donnell FTW!0 -
Subject: Are You A Republican, Democrat or a Southerner?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife and two small children.Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.What do you do?THINK CAREFULLY ANDTHEN SCROLL DOWN:Democrat's Answer:Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?Does the man look poor or oppressed?Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away?What does my wife think?What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation?Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted?We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.This is all so confusing!............ ......... ......... ........ ........ ......... ....... ......... .Republican's Answer:BANG!............ ......... ......... ........ ......... ......... ........ ......Southerner’s Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!ClickDaughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!''Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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"Perfect!" says the guy from Tennessee.webmost said:Subject: Are You A Republican, Democrat or a Southerner?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife and two small children.Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.What do you do?THINK CAREFULLY ANDTHEN SCROLL DOWN:Democrat's Answer:Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?Does the man look poor or oppressed?Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away?What does my wife think?What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation?Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted?We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.This is all so confusing!............ ......... ......... ........ ........ ......... ....... ......... .Republican's Answer:BANG!............ ......... ......... ........ ......... ......... ........ ......Southerner’s Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!ClickDaughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!''Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain0 -
After you shoot something down here you hear... Can we throw it in the gumbo pot.Amos_Umwhat said:
"Perfect!" says the guy from Tennessee.webmost said:Subject: Are You A Republican, Democrat or a Southerner?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife and two small children.Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.What do you do?THINK CAREFULLY ANDTHEN SCROLL DOWN:Democrat's Answer:Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?Does the man look poor or oppressed?Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away?What does my wife think?What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation?Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted?We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.This is all so confusing!............ ......... ......... ........ ........ ......... ....... ......... .Republican's Answer:BANG!............ ......... ......... ........ ......... ......... ........ ......Southerner’s Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!ClickDaughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!''Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!"Come party with me in Tennessee for my birthday July we can smoke in the Smokey's."0 -
That reminds me of a scenario we had in an in-service class. The gist was you get a call about a man with a gun. When you get to the scene, there is a woman screaming and a man facing you with his hand in his pocket.
The class was asked how to you get him to take his hand out of his pocket to see if he has a gun.
This prompted a lot of discussion until a good boy from South Carolina said he would let the undertaker get his hand out of his pocket!
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An Amish family goes to the mall for the first time. The father and son discover the elevator and are watching in amazement. An older heavyset woman pushes the button and the 2 silver doors open. She steps inside and the doors close. The lights on top of the doors flash. Two minutes later the doors open and a beautiful young blond walks out.
The son looks at his father in awe and says "Father what just happened". The father says "I have no idea, but go get your mother".1 -
Chick walks into a bar and asks for a draft beer.
Bartender says anheiser busch.
She replies it's just fine thanks, now give me a beer.
(And how's your bush lmao.)"Come party with me in Tennessee for my birthday July we can smoke in the Smokey's."0 -
Mickey and Minnie are getting divorced. So the judge says "Mickey I see in your complaint that you think Minnie is crazy. Micky says "No I said she's Fukn goofy!"2
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There needs to be a Lewinsky cigar!"Come party with me in Tennessee for my birthday July we can smoke in the Smokey's."1
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advice from the guidance counselor...
Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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One of these is not like the otters:
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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https://youtu.be/P1imgSDiiaQ
http://youtu.be/qJYeVe0u7hk