Two cowboys riding out across the desert. They're surrounded by miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles. And it's hot. Man, it's hot. And dry. After a while, one of the cowboys who's riding an old mare scoots backward off his saddle and works his way back until he's sitting on his horse's rump.
He leans back, reaches down under her tail, moves his hand around a bit, and then climbs back into his saddle where he proceeds to smear his lips and chin with that hand and they proceed to ride on.
After a while he did it again - going through the whole routine and smearing it on his lower face.
When he did it a third time after more riding, the other cowboy rode up alongside him and said,"Look, I know us cowboys ain't s'posed to talk much but what the hell are you doing"?
The first cowboy says, "What, you mean the scooting back and then smearing my face? Well, I've got chapped lips".
The second cowboy says, "Oh. I didn't know that was good for chapped lips".
And the first cowboy says,"Well, I don't know that it is, but it sure as hell keeps me from lickin' 'em....
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night They were called "Bomb Jovi".
They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim fellow started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
So, I was walking through a mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fvck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, Ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1959, Ma'am."
"Well,
there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1959! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch……………
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He limps the car along to the nearest town and stops at the first service station he can find.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
“There’ll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ’em but all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em.” -Kevin Welch
A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
A private Leer jet arrives at LaGuardia international > airport and Donald Trump strides to his limousine which > drives him to a reception with Hillary Clinton. > > From there, they are driven in a black Mercedes to the > edge of New York where they change to a magnificent 17th > century carriage hitched to six white horses. > > They continue on towards The Clinton Mansion while > enjoying a little champagne, all is going well. Suddenly, > the right rear horse lets go with the most horrendous and > earth-shattering fart ever heard in New York. > > The fart shakes the coach a little. The smell is > atrocious! Hillary and The Donald must use handkerchiefs > over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the > incident. > > Hillary turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please > accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some > things that even I cannot control." > > > Trump, with his usual political correctness, replied, > "Hillary, don't give the matter another thought. > Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the > horses."
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana
Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no
days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon and fine cigar every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
SORRY, BUT I NEVER DO THIS HOWEVER I NEED TO VENT!!!!!!So I went to
Target to get some stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the
same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she
comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?!
I finish
up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there
ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring
again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look
at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but
you look just like my Son who just passed away." I felt really bad after
that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a
favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but
can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like
Really?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and
did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves.
The cashier rings up my
stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right,
because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me
that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What the heck?!!!"
She said, "Your mom told me you were paying for her items along with
your things. I told her "that woman is most definitely NOT my mom". She
said, "well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like,
OMG!!!...
I flew out of the store looking for this witch, ready to
give her a piece of my mind. I see her quickly loading up her car! She
sees me and quickly jumps in her car. I grabbed her just as she was
putting her last leg in, as I pulled her leg, her wooden leg came off!!!
Soooo I grabbed her other leg and started pulling!! just like I'm
pulling yours right now! Hahaha...
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
"Perfect!" says the guy from Tennessee.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
That reminds me of a scenario we had in an in-service class. The gist was you get a call about a man with a gun. When you get to the scene, there is a woman screaming and a man facing you with his hand in his pocket.
The class was asked how to you get him to take his hand out of his pocket to see if he has a gun.
This prompted a lot of discussion until a good boy from South Carolina said he would let the undertaker get his hand out of his pocket!
An Amish family goes to the mall for the first time. The father and son discover the elevator and are watching in amazement. An older heavyset woman pushes the button and the 2 silver doors open. She steps inside and the doors close. The lights on top of the doors flash. Two minutes later the doors open and a beautiful young blond walks out.
The son looks at his father in awe and says "Father what just happened". The father says "I have no idea, but go get your mother".
Mickey and Minnie are getting divorced. So the judge says "Mickey I see in your complaint that you think Minnie is crazy. Micky says "No I said she's Fukn goofy!"
Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Comments
They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim fellow started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, Ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1959, Ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1959! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch……………
"I hope not; it's only 2247 right now."
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He limps the car along to the nearest town and stops at the first service station he can find.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
To make it worse he's Canadian.
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
> airport and Donald Trump strides to his limousine which
> drives him to a reception with Hillary Clinton.
>
> From there, they are driven in a black Mercedes to the
> edge of New York where they change to a magnificent 17th
> century carriage hitched to six white horses.
>
> They continue on towards The Clinton Mansion while
> enjoying a little champagne, all is going well. Suddenly,
> the right rear horse lets go with the most horrendous and
> earth-shattering fart ever heard in New York.
>
> The fart shakes the coach a little. The smell is
> atrocious! Hillary and The Donald must use handkerchiefs
> over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the
> incident.
>
> Hillary turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please
> accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some
> things that even I cannot control."
>
>
> Trump, with his usual political correctness, replied,
> "Hillary, don't give the matter another thought.
> Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the
> horses."
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon and fine cigar every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my Son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like Really?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves.
The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What the heck?!!!" She said, "Your mom told me you were paying for her items along with your things. I told her "that woman is most definitely NOT my mom". She said, "well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like, OMG!!!...
I flew out of the store looking for this witch, ready to give her a piece of my mind. I see her quickly loading up her car! She sees me and quickly jumps in her car. I grabbed her just as she was putting her last leg in, as I pulled her leg, her wooden leg came off!!! Soooo I grabbed her other leg and started pulling!! just like I'm pulling yours right now! Hahaha...
because it saw the salad dressing
Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his final front-ear
Ok, I just wanted to bump the thread
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
The class was asked how to you get him to take his hand out of his pocket to see if he has a gun.
This prompted a lot of discussion until a good boy from South Carolina said he would let the undertaker get his hand out of his pocket!
The son looks at his father in awe and says "Father what just happened". The father says "I have no idea, but go get your mother".
My favorite cigar list here
Bartender says anheiser busch.
She replies it's just fine thanks, now give me a beer.
(And how's your bush lmao.)
Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.