What did Mama June say when she lost her virginity?
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
OK, bad. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
This guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
I saw this joke today and it made me laugh.
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his ****.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over." They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" ill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see, Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn man, let's go have another look at that dog!"
The teacher in front of the class says," I am going to give you a word I want you to use it in story so I know you understand it. The word is contagious. " Little Sally stands up, so cute she is and so smart. " my little brother has the measels and mommy says I can't play with him cause he's contagious. " " Oh that is so good Sally you get a gold star!" The teacher exclaims. Little Johnny stands up" me and my old man was walkin along and ol lady Johnson was painting her garage with this little biddy brush. He looked at me and said, its gonna take that cont ages to paint that garage."
Same teacher different class. " I want you to use a word in a sentence. The word is definetley." She says. Little Susie stands up, " I definitely like cupcakes." " very well done Susie" she states. Billy stands up and asks," is there lumps in farts?"
" no" from the teacher "Well then I definitely sh_t my pants" he says
Teacher asks the class to use the word urinate in a sentence.
Bobby stands up and says " ur in ate but if you had bigger boobs you would be a ten."
Team O'Donnell FTW!
"I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke ever last one of 'em." - Ron White
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'damn fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "Damn Dad, you're a badass?! Pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A man and a woman were out having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish? Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish. Warden: your pet fish? How's that? Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!! Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake) Warden: well this I got to see!! 5 minutes later... Warden: well?? Man: what? Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish?? Man: what fish??
Two cowboys riding out across the desert. They're surrounded by miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles. And it's hot. Man, it's hot. And dry. After a while, one of the cowboys who's riding an old mare scoots backward off his saddle and works his way back until he's sitting on his horse's rump.
He leans back, reaches down under her tail, moves his hand around a bit, and then climbs back into his saddle where he proceeds to smear his lips and chin with that hand and they proceed to ride on.
After a while he did it again - going through the whole routine and smearing it on his lower face.
When he did it a third time after more riding, the other cowboy rode up alongside him and said,"Look, I know us cowboys ain't s'posed to talk much but what the hell are you doing"?
The first cowboy says, "What, you mean the scooting back and then smearing my face? Well, I've got chapped lips".
The second cowboy says, "Oh. I didn't know that was good for chapped lips".
And the first cowboy says,"Well, I don't know that it is, but it sure as hell keeps me from lickin' 'em....
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night They were called "Bomb Jovi".
They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim fellow started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
So, I was walking through a mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fvck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, Ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1959, Ma'am."
"Well,
there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1959! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch……………
Comments
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
OK, bad. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
bwahahaha
now that's a good one right there, jd
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
Why do the Irish only cook 239 beans in a pot at one time?
Cause if it were one more it would be Two Farty...
BADUM TSSSSSSS!
The salesmen asks "Son are your Parents home"
The kid takes a drag of his cigar, and a sip of the scotch and says "What the F@ck do you think?"
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man...
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed ONE seat!"
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient..."Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing!
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success!
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked....... "All right Buddy what's your name?"
"Marvin," the old man moaned.
"Where ya' from, Marvin?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving.......
Marvin replied...... "The balcony!"
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife,
depicting the six years of the Obama Administration! "
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
Chelsea Clinton
Little Sally stands up, so cute she is and so smart. " my little brother has the measels and mommy says I can't play with him cause he's contagious. "
" Oh that is so good Sally you get a gold star!" The teacher exclaims.
Little Johnny stands up" me and my old man was walkin along and ol lady Johnson was painting her garage with this little biddy brush. He looked at me and said, its gonna take that cont ages to paint that garage."
" I want you to use a word in a sentence. The word is definetley." She says.
Little Susie stands up, " I definitely like cupcakes."
" very well done Susie" she states.
Billy stands up and asks," is there lumps in farts?"
" no" from the teacher
"Well then I definitely sh_t my pants" he says
Teacher asks the class to use the word urinate in a sentence.
Bobby stands up and says " ur in ate but if you had bigger boobs you would be a ten."
"I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke ever last one of 'em." - Ron White
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the
man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
So here's my new joke:
Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change color?
Yeah, he had "A Reptile Dysfunction"
They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim fellow started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, Ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, Ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1959, Ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1959! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch……………
"I hope not; it's only 2247 right now."