A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child.
Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man.
So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby.
Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Ooooh. Don't give up your day job....:-)
uh i dont get it,,
Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite =>Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light.
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Ooooh. Don't give up your day job....:-)
uh i dont get it,,
Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite =>Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light.
What did Mama June say when she lost her virginity?
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
OK, bad. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
WARNING: The above post may contain thoughts or ideas known to the State of Caliphornia to cause seething rage, confusion, distemper, nausea, perspiration, sphincter release, or cranial implosion to persons who implicitly trust only one news source, or find themselves at either the left or right political extreme. Proceed at your own risk.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
This guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
I saw this joke today and it made me laugh.
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
In Fumo Pax Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his ****.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over." They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" ill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see, Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn man, let's go have another look at that dog!"
The teacher in front of the class says," I am going to give you a word I want you to use it in story so I know you understand it. The word is contagious. " Little Sally stands up, so cute she is and so smart. " my little brother has the measels and mommy says I can't play with him cause he's contagious. " " Oh that is so good Sally you get a gold star!" The teacher exclaims. Little Johnny stands up" me and my old man was walkin along and ol lady Johnson was painting her garage with this little biddy brush. He looked at me and said, its gonna take that cont ages to paint that garage."
Same teacher different class. " I want you to use a word in a sentence. The word is definetley." She says. Little Susie stands up, " I definitely like cupcakes." " very well done Susie" she states. Billy stands up and asks," is there lumps in farts?"
" no" from the teacher "Well then I definitely sh_t my pants" he says
Teacher asks the class to use the word urinate in a sentence.
Bobby stands up and says " ur in ate but if you had bigger boobs you would be a ten."
Team O'Donnell FTW!
"I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke ever last one of 'em." - Ron White
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'damn fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "Damn Dad, you're a badass?! Pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A man and a woman were out having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish? Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish. Warden: your pet fish? How's that? Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!! Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake) Warden: well this I got to see!! 5 minutes later... Warden: well?? Man: what? Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish?? Man: what fish??
Comments
Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man.
So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby.
Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
(source: reddit.com/r/funny)
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
OK, bad. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
"If you do not read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers, you're misinformed." -- Mark Twain
bwahahaha
now that's a good one right there, jd
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
Why do the Irish only cook 239 beans in a pot at one time?
Cause if it were one more it would be Two Farty...
BADUM TSSSSSSS!
The salesmen asks "Son are your Parents home"
The kid takes a drag of his cigar, and a sip of the scotch and says "What the F@ck do you think?"
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man...
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed ONE seat!"
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient..."Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing!
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success!
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked....... "All right Buddy what's your name?"
"Marvin," the old man moaned.
"Where ya' from, Marvin?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving.......
Marvin replied...... "The balcony!"
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife,
depicting the six years of the Obama Administration! "
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
Chelsea Clinton
Little Sally stands up, so cute she is and so smart. " my little brother has the measels and mommy says I can't play with him cause he's contagious. "
" Oh that is so good Sally you get a gold star!" The teacher exclaims.
Little Johnny stands up" me and my old man was walkin along and ol lady Johnson was painting her garage with this little biddy brush. He looked at me and said, its gonna take that cont ages to paint that garage."
" I want you to use a word in a sentence. The word is definetley." She says.
Little Susie stands up, " I definitely like cupcakes."
" very well done Susie" she states.
Billy stands up and asks," is there lumps in farts?"
" no" from the teacher
"Well then I definitely sh_t my pants" he says
Teacher asks the class to use the word urinate in a sentence.
Bobby stands up and says " ur in ate but if you had bigger boobs you would be a ten."
"I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke ever last one of 'em." - Ron White
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the
man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
So here's my new joke:
Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change color?
Yeah, he had "A Reptile Dysfunction"