Resurrecting the Joke Thread
Comments
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave
and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends
over there instead of you."
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis4 -
President Kennedy put a man on the moon, Persident Obama put a man in the ladies roomA little dirt never hurt4
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Thanks for the laugh Peter.1
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess,
the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?”
"He's thinking of getting married...."
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis9 -
I was at my local Vitamin Shoppe and a shelf full of Omega 3 tablets fell on me. Fortunately, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.6
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“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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When you say 'tournament' I assume you're speaking of Texas Hold'em?? So the guy with the Aces got bluffed out by the 2-7? Isn't that what Hold'em is all about???Guitarded said:If @ssholes had wings, this place would be an airport.
A quote from the guy who got his aces beat by 2-7 on the first hand of a tournament I dealt yesterday.
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Doesn't sound like he got bluffed out.0
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No limit hold-em 55 dollar buy in. Guy with aces was the button, all in pre-flop, 2-7 was the big blind and called without looking at his cards!
Remember when I said keeping my mouth shut is the hardest part of my job?
It was difficult not to laugh!Friends don't let good friends smoke cheap cigars.0 -
Geez0
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They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat
and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day
trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch
all that day and most of the evening.
Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he
got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said
"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Hell no! The fact
is I'm so glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I
guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't
very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up
the middle!"
The old girl keeled over!
"I could've had a Mi Querida!" Nick Bardis5 -
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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Anybody know the definition of the word 'coward'? A coward is a guy who wakes up in the morning with his nose in his wife's armpit and he's afraid to open his eyes... <drum roll>.
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“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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Gotta join f*ckbook in order to view this one. I don't do socialNorthsideSmoke said:
media. Hope it was a funny one.... 0 -
I hate to tell you this Marty, but you've posted on a social media site over 5,000 timesjlmarta said:
I don't do social media.NorthsideSmoke said:
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It may be your interpretation of social media (and in a way, you're right) but if you've never tried it try unsubscribing from f*ckbook. If that's not a crock of sh*t I don't know what is.CharlieHeis said:
I hate to tell you this Marty, but you've posted on a social media site over 5,000 timesjlmarta said:
I don't do social media.NorthsideSmoke said:
And it wouldnt have been so bad, maybe, if I hadn't received a post from someone every thirty seconds or so and most of those were from someone's fifteenth cousin twice removed whom I had never heard of before. Who's got time for that crap? Certainly not me.....
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Nooooooo don't say thatCharlieHeis said:
I hate to tell you this Marty, but you've posted on a social media site over 5,000 timesjlmarta said:
I don't do social media.NorthsideSmoke said:
I tell my kids this is cigar media not social mediaNon Crux sed lux3 -
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”
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My wife's birthday is next week and she told me she'd be happy as long as I got her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards I got her.
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *6 -
Better take it back. She was talking about minor league baseball tickets, you dope.jgibv said:My wife's birthday is next week and she told me she'd be happy as long as I got her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards I got her.“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
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https://youtu.be/SqQgDwA0BNU
