“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
“In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless manis a shame, two is a law firm, And three or more is a congress.“ – John Adams
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
One sunny day in January 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
Logistics cannot win a war, but its absence or inadequacy can cause defeat. FM100-5
A guy (Fred) gets fed up with modern society, and decides to become a monk. At the monastery, the head monk tells him the rules, one of which is it's a silent monastery, and you're only allowed 2 words every 5 years.
So five years go by, and Fred goes to the head monk and tells him, "Food bad." The head monk registers the comment, and Fred goes back to the silence.
After ten years, Fred uses his 2 words to tell the head monk, "Bed hard" and again, goes back to the silence.
At the fifteen year mark, Fred goes to the head monk and this time his 2 words are, "I quit". To which the head monk replies, "It doesn't surprise me. Ever since you got here, all you've done is complain."
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
A woman is out golfing and slices the ball through the window of a small cabin. She knocks on the door and a man answers. She rushes to apologize and offers to pay for the damage, but the man stops her mid sentence. "I am a genie and you rescued me from ten thousand years of imprisonment when your golf ball crashed through the window and knocked over my lamp! You are entitled to three wishes."
"Gosh" she says. "This is great! My first wish is to have a home on every coast line!"
"The deeds will be in your mailbox tomorrow morning" says the genie. "What is your second wish?"
"I wish I had one of every type of sports car built this year!" she squeals.
"Very good!" replies the genie "The keys will be at your door when you get home...now, you know, I hate to sound greedy but I feel like I'm entitled to the third wish considering I've been entrapped in that bottle for the past ten thousand years. What say you?"
She thinks about it for a minute, and decides that's a pretty fair deal. "Okay, what is your wish?"
"My wish" he smiles "is to make mad love to you until I absolutely can't anymore."
She agrees and they proceed into the cabin, where they do it in every position imaginable into the early hours of the morning. As the sun is beginning to scorch across the horizon, he rolls off her and asks "how old are you, anyway?"
"I'm 22" she says.
"Aren't you a little old to believe in genies???"
“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.” – George Burns
It can be 80 degrees and the toilet seat is 30 degrees?
In the dark, you can't find anything, but your feet can find every Hot Wheels and legos left on the floor?
That apple vinegar tastes nothing like apples?
Every creak in the house wakes you up, but you can sleep right through the alarm?
And why does the shower water go cold when the toilet flushes, why not hot?
Yes, I'm bored.
You have a tendo widdo tushy Your toes are down where the leggos live It turned to vinegar If you had wanted to wake up you wouldn't have set an alarm The toilet only uses cold water
“It has been a source of great pain to me to have met with so many among [my] opponents who had not the liberality to distinguish between political and social opposition; who transferred at once to the person, the hatred they bore to his political opinions.” —Thomas Jefferson (1808)
Missing Cigar A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody" His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my ****." "Oh come on" replies the bartender. The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you." He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar". The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says "See that". The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You **** that's just another cigar." Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a ****, I must have smoked it!"
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a seamen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a seamen sample."
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"
The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, "Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, "Were you the one being robbed, sir?"
The man casually replies, "Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping."
The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Oh yes," replies the man calmly. "I have all the loot in the back."
The cop is now starting to get angry and says, "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me" as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, "Don't do that! I'm afraid that you'll find the gun in my glove compartment!" At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, "Wait here" as he returns to his car and calls for backup.
Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car. However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn't find any of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
"Cooking isn't about struggling; It's about pleasure. It's like sǝx, with a wider variety of sauces."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
Comments
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled
out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
"I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
From Cigars Magazine
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
Now, you go sit in the corner for a timeout, Gibby @jgibv. Shame on you.....
MOW badge received.
* I have a new address as of 3/24/18 *
The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
So five years go by, and Fred goes to the head monk and tells him, "Food bad." The head monk registers the comment, and Fred goes back to the silence.
After ten years, Fred uses his 2 words to tell the head monk, "Bed hard" and again, goes back to the silence.
At the fifteen year mark, Fred goes to the head monk and this time his 2 words are, "I quit". To which the head monk replies, "It doesn't surprise me. Ever since you got here, all you've done is complain."
You want to snap them and shake the $hit out of them until the light comes on.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
"Gosh" she says. "This is great! My first wish is to have a home on every coast line!"
"The deeds will be in your mailbox tomorrow morning" says the genie. "What is your second wish?"
"I wish I had one of every type of sports car built this year!" she squeals.
"Very good!" replies the genie "The keys will be at your door when you get home...now, you know, I hate to sound greedy but I feel like I'm entitled to the third wish considering I've been entrapped in that bottle for the past ten thousand years. What say you?"
She thinks about it for a minute, and decides that's a pretty fair deal. "Okay, what is your wish?"
"My wish" he smiles "is to make mad love to you until I absolutely can't anymore."
She agrees and they proceed into the cabin, where they do it in every position imaginable into the early hours of the morning. As the sun is beginning to scorch across the horizon, he rolls off her and asks "how old are you, anyway?"
"I'm 22" she says.
"Aren't you a little old to believe in genies???"
It can be 80 degrees and the toilet seat is 30 degrees?
In the dark, you can't find anything, but your feet can find every Hot Wheels and legos left on the floor?
That apple vinegar tastes nothing like apples?
Every creak in the house wakes you up, but you can sleep right through the alarm?
And why does the shower water go cold when the toilet flushes, why not hot?
Yes, I'm bored.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigars and that's close enough.
Your toes are down where the leggos live
It turned to vinegar
If you had wanted to wake up you wouldn't have set an alarm
The toilet only uses cold water
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my ****."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says "See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You **** that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a ****, I must have smoked it!"
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
-I'm Drunk!
What is the mating call of the Ugly Blonde?
-I said, "I'm Drunk!"
What is the mating call of the Brunette?
-Next!
What is the mating call of the Redhead?
-Is that Blonde gone yet?
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"
The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, "Were you the one being robbed, sir?"
The man casually replies, "Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping."
The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Oh yes," replies the man calmly. "I have all the loot in the back."
The cop is now starting to get angry and says, "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me" as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, "Don't do that! I'm afraid that you'll find the gun in my glove compartment!" At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, "Wait here" as he returns to his car and calls for backup.
Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car. However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn't find any of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
At any given time the urge to sing "In The Jungle" is just a whim away... A whim away... A whim away...